Double digits!

It's now 99 days until I'm due for one of the biggest and possible most traumatic events of my life. It's down to the double digits and counting. I'm glad to say that I feel better than I have since finding out about the baby even though the kicking can be downright uncomfortable and gives me a constant feeling of needing to pee, depending on where the baby is kicking. Right now, it's favourite spot is way down south close to or directly into the bladder.

The weather is great, sunny and warm even though yesterday it was pissing rain all day but even then there was a certain cosiness about the day. Husband and I have planned one last trip together before the baby comes and we've decided to go back to Gothenburg cos we loved it so much the last time. Plus with me being about 30 weeks along at the time, we think it's best that we go someplace we're familiar with so we don't feel the need to rush around so we get to see everything. We just want to take it easy and enjoy the great food and sighst that Gothenburg has to offer. I just hope it will not rain too much since that's is also what Gothenburg is famous for. Cross our fingers!


I just realised that in my last post I said I was 24 weeks along but that is way off. I'm actually 25 weeks+5 days...now it's all about counting the weeks and days until B-day. I'm sleeping a lot better and through the night but I still get tired sometimes during the day and am forced to take naps that can actually drag for 2 hours. I surprise even myself at just how much I can sleep nowadays but the main thing is that I feel good and quite happy. Well, except for when the hormones run amok on me and I get emotional about the slightest thing.

A few nights ago, I started obsessing about my belly button. My ugly, discoloured and starting to pop outwards belly button. Ugh! Even thinking about it makes me cringe cos I actually do dislike the way it looks, especially now. But that night, I was hysterical about it. I spent over 2 hours trying to clean it with poor husband trying to talk me out of my obsession and trying to distract me with everything he could think of. I started bawling my eyes out and screaming for the husband to leave me alone so I could clean my belly button. How awful does that sound right? It's just a damn belly button! But that night, it meant the end of the world to me. I can laugh about it now but it was serious business that night.

But on a positive note, I've taken up baking again. My passion that had been temporarily abandoned has given me renewed spirit and I willingly turn on my oven and Kitchen Aid once more, to the delight of dear husband and of cos his colleagues who also get to enjoy the results of my new found inspiration since I don't want husband to be eating 12 muffins by himself so i make him bring them to work to share the love.

So the other day, I made pandan muffins which is not the most common type of muffins to make since pandan leaves are difficult to come by in these parts. But I managed to buy a bunch of the leaves and since then I have made nasi lemak, pandan muffins and perhaps green bean soup next. Husband was utterly unconvinced when he came home and found the blended pandan leaves and green batter. All he could say was, why would you put vegetables into muffins? Vegetables are not supposed to be in something as great as muffins.

But he had to eat those words when cautiously and very suspiciously, he took a bite out my pandan muffins. He could not stop eating them that night and took the rest to work the next day. Again, met by curiosity and a dollop of suspicion, his colleagues each nibbled their first bite before wolfing the rest down and fighting for crumbs. They had never heard of pandan leaves (oh these ignorant Swedes) and had never seen green muffins before. Intriguing, they thought. I didn't manage to take any pictures of my pandan muffins unfortunately but I hope I can make them again soon. We'll see.

But yesterday, I decided to make a traditional Swedish bun called sockerkringlor which I think basically means sugar weaves or something like that. I love to eat sockerkringlor here cos to me they are just a baked version of a donut and if done right, are tender, soft and delicious! I had never made them before but decided to try them out when I found a simple recipe for them. I had to use my own creativity to make the weaves and twists but I think I succeeded and they looked and tasted AWESOME!!

Pretty sockerkringlor dusted in vanilla sugar mix.

Aren't they pretty?! I'm so tooting my own horn here lah. Proud mama!

Husband dear was super pleased and said they are better than the ones we buy at the bakery. Hee! The man knows how to make his woman smile. But I have to admit, they are really delicious and surprisingly easy to make, especially if you have the handy dandy Kitchen Aid!

Leaving Trimester 2...

It's been a rollercoaster ride, the past half a year. I'm now 24 weeks along which I guess makes me almost 6 months pregnant. How time flies when one feels well.

I have to say my first trimester is something that I never wish upon anyone especially not myself. The beginning of the 2nd trimester was not very smooth either but the body is an amazing thing and things have worked out and we have come to a compromise between pain and pleasure. This means that I still get pains but they are not excruciating and pass pretty quickly therefore I am now able to enjoy what pregnancy has to offer (which honestly speaking, and many mothers may firmly disagree, isn't all that much to enjoy. I mean, swelling belly, kicks in the bladder, frequent urination and I'm now just beginning to swell in the hands and feet. UGH!!).

The house is pretty much complete in terms of baby furniture and essential except for the bath time necessities because honestly, we hardly have space for the baby car seat that dear hubby's sister, Jessica, so kindly gave to us so what more a babytub, towels and whatever else I'm supposed to have available when it comes for junior's first bath. I keep going through my head the list of things I guess I'm supposed to have and I am surprised that I have about 85% fo the things I need.

And that worries me.

How is it that I'm that well equipped so far ahead of time? I have not been very kiasu. Well, except for that week when husband had time off and we journeyed to Ikea about 3 or 4 times to look, measure and buy stuff for the house and baby. But apart from that, I have been very good at ensuring I stay AWAY from the baby stores so I don't get sucked into looking at prams again (since we've already made up our minds abt which one to get) and I'm not tempted to buy things that are pretty and nice to have but just another way of spending money frivolously. For example, do I really need a changing table when I have the bed, the sofa and the dining table to choose from? Heck, I even have the top of the washing machine if I'm too damn lazy to carry the tiny troll all the way back to my bedroom. Do I really need a baby swing that I can attach to a doorway which is oh so fun to have and see the tiny one suspended from the door post, bouncing up and down while I cook or clean or God forbid clean the toilet??

So many new, innovative and entirely unnecessary pieces of equipment are available now on the market that leaves me to wonder, have mothers all these decades had it so hard that they now need toys and machinery to make life easier?

I want a simple bouncy/rocker chair for my baby, mostly for it's first months of life when it's too little for the child to sit anywhere properly without rolling over it's own head. That way I can put it down and look at it, play with it, rock it to sleep and when the time comes feed it mushy yuck that babies supposedly like (To be honest, I think babies just eat that stuff cos they don't know any better). So anyway, back to the bouncy chair. We went to the baby store and saw a whole collection of chairs that would put Ikea's seating department to shame. There were rockers, swingers, bouncers that were manually operated, machine operated (I started looking around for the coin operated too). There were chairs that just bounced or rocked when you move it and there were chairs that looked like suspended baby walkers that are designed to simulate the rocking arms of the parent. Now, I don't know what kind of parent they designed the rocking motion from but I sure as hell hope it's nobody like my husband who still has no idea how to hold a baby,much less rock it without causing some form of mild brain haemorrhage. Not only that, the chair also gives out a whoosh whoosh sound as it rocks the child back and forth which just sounds eerie to me and certainly not something I wanna be hearing when alone at home with my baby. Why would I spend a few thousand swedish kronors on something that gives me the creeps? Unless God forbid, far into the night incessant infant crying is involved and this is my only hope against commiting infanticide, I doubt I'll be buying any form of machine operated baby rocker.

And now I'm slowly but surely entering the final trimester of this epic journey of gestation. The finishing line seems close but not close enough and yet I also feel like I don't ever want to reach it. I'm at a stage right now where I'm running the marathon and my legs are cramping, every breathe I take is an arduous painful pull from my overworked lungs, I'm sweating so much it's starting to get beyond PG rating, every step is like a step closer to collapse and I'm thinking, was it really wise of me to even enter this damn race?

I had a good, peaceful life filled with spare time, carefree moments and a contentful marriage. I didn't need to go thinking about how much better my life would be if I entered the marathon. The run towards motherhood. So many reasons to say no and yet so many reasons to say YES! I never thought the race could be this difficult. It didn't seem so bad when I was running it through my head but then again life never seems to be quite as good or as bad as one imagined it to be until one is actually living it.

Where is the radiance? Where is that beautiful, sexy sillouhette of a pregnant stomach? Where are the encouraging, uplifting doctors and nurses I'm supposed to be encountering that will lift my spirits and make me excited about this bundle of joy?

I'm not afraid of labour and childbirth...yet. No, I've been too busy dealing with the now to even want to think about 3 months down the road. Why freak myself out even more than I already am? And you know what is the worst of it all?

That I KNOW the moment this entire ordeal is over and I'm holding my beautiful baby in my arms, all the pain and discomfort and frustrations that I have felt for the past 9 months will melt away into nothing and I will suddenly develop pregnancy amnesia.

Yup, I've realised why so many mothers seem so damn positive and happy and unrealistic when talking about their pregnancies and birthing experiences. It's because they develop this amazing mind phenomenon called pregnancy amnesia. It's almost as though the discomfort of something kicking your bladder every other hour (if you're lucky), the nausea, headaches and light headedness, breathlessness and general excruciating pains in the back, hip and leg areas didn't happen. But I guess this is a necessary evil because without it, the human race would never have survived. And I will be no exception. I will smile and laugh and poo-poo this whole experience away as an over dramatic reaction of a first time mother to be.

So even though I seem to be bitching a little too often about my own pains and pregnancy woes, I believe this is an absolutely crucial process of documentation and evidence that carrying this child was no walk in the clouds. It has been more of a run on a road made of nails with lots of blood, sweat, tears and pain. And I still have 3 more months to go...

12th Century Church

Last week, dear husband had the whole week off as part of his summer vacation which was well timed since we used the week to prepare the house for the baby that is soon to come (3.5 mths and counting!). But after a week of hard work, shopping and setting up furniture, we decided on a well deserved treat by bringing his grandparents to Stubbegården for lunch.

As mentioned before, Stubbegården is a pretty, very quaint, old Swedish style house set in the middle of old Swedish countryside that serves a nice spread of traditional cold Swedish dishes and pastries, buns and cakes.

I love the interior decoration of the place, even though it can be a little bit cramped but that was the style in those days.

Grandma Inger and me enjoying the backyard where they had outdoor serving but it was a little too chilly for us. Maybe in the summertime.

The view from the backyard. Stubbegården is situated literally in the middle of the countryside and there isn't much of other buildings for a long way off.

Across from Stubbegården, horses had come out to graze and apparently nap in the sun (you can see something that looks like a dead horse in the background. It was sleeping, I checked). some of the horses were really friendly and let me pet them!! They are SO beautiful!

After lunch, we decided to head down to a nearby church that was supposed to be really old. I had always seen the top of the church tower but did not realise until that day just how close it was to Stubbegården. It was literally a 3 minute drive down a lane that lead straight to the church.

I can't remember the name of the church but it was apparently built during the 12th century! Articles about the church are display and researchers and scientists had actually done tests on the wood of the foundation and found that the wood had been cut in the winter of 1150 or something like that. I dunno how they can determine that but it's amazing! I've never been in a building so old before!!

According to husband dear, the protruding rotunda seen here is now an almost non existent architectural feature of churches as it became out of fashion sometime in the 15th century. There is maybe only one other church in Sweden that still has that feature.

It was very quiet and serene on the church grounds with not a sign of life in sight but the church doors were open and we could go in to take a closer look. Most of the features in the church are originals and date back to between the 12th and 17th century. It was very interesting to see statues and baptism bowls that were that old and open for all to see and touch.

There were murals on the entire church ceiling although most of it had faded except for the very centre of the church building.

It's amazing just how well preserved the paintings on the ceiling in the middle of the church are. I think it's partly due to the structure and design of the ceiling that protects that part of the ceiling from most of the sunlight that shines in through the large windows.

The church also has a large organ that is placed on the upper floor overlooking the entire church hall. This organ was built in the 16th century. The upper balcony where the organ player would have to sit is very cramped and had space for only one so I guess if they had a church choir, they would have had to sing somewhere downstairs.

A baptism pool (is that what it's called? I have no idea.) dating back to the 12th or 13th century I believe. It's situated right by the altar at the front of the church hall.

Another baptism pool but this one dates back to 1690.

Some friendly faces at last!

Finally after almost a year and half of living here, I get some visitors from Singapore. Ok technically they live in London which means a substantially shorter flight but friendly faces all the same. My dearest pal Fran came with her beloved, Kelvin for a short weekend visit to the modest town of Askersund and to enjoy the fresh country air we have to offer here. What a great mini holiday for husband and I and most of all what a pleasure to have friends I can chat with without boundaries or shyness, even tho it was the first time I was meeting Kelvin.

Unfortunately, I have been greatly affected by the Swedish culture of NOT taking pictures and I have but a puny collection of memories from those few days. But luckily, Kelvin is an avid photographer and honestly a thousand times better than any of us so I trusted him to take most of the pictures and await anxiously for receive them. *wink wink*.

Nobody can fully appreciate the value of meeting and catching up with good friends who otherwise live far away until one has had to uproot oneself and move to a place that is far removed from all that is familiar, friendly and safe. Not even my 2 years of living in Phuket can be compared to the isolation, loneliness and unfamiliarity that I sometimes feel living in this tiny town in the middle of the Swedish countryside. So you can imagine my happiness at having Fran and Kel for even a few days where I could talk, act and just be who I am without worry of being misunderstood or worse still, boring.

Francine and Kelvin sashaying down the runway after getting off the flight that was 30 min late, by the way. And Västerås airport is NOT a fun place to wait since it's so tiny.

After much anticipation, Ms. Francine makes an appearance with Kelvin peeking over her shoulder.

Ms. Francine finally catches sight of us and the little girl in the picture looks more excited to see her than we do.

Sightseeing in Örebro town (the big town close to Askersund) right after the airport since it was along the way back anyway. Too bad it was a holiday and Örebro castle was closed to visitors so we only took outside pictures which are pretty enough.

Dinner that night was at the hotel since I knew we would all be tired and must say, we were NOT disappointed by the food. To be honest, I have never been disappointed by the food which is surprising seeing what a small town this is.

Spent the 2nd day of their trip in Stockholm which was fun but WAAAY to short. Nobody can truly enjoy what Stockholm has to offer in just 6 hours.

There was some sort of Christian convention happening on that day so the city was packed full with people, something I'm not so used to nowadays. But it doesn't take away how pretty and lively the city is.

Our men enjoying the sights at the palace just before the changing of guard. How different the two are. heh heh...


Day 3 was a day of relaxing sightseeing and a chance for Kelvin to indulge in his photography hobby. This was a sight M and I saw often, Francine posing and Kelvin photographing.

And while they did that, this was what we would do in the background.

We went to Stubbegården, a wonderfully quaint old style cafe set in the middle of the Swedish countryside where they served a cold dish and pastry buffet. This was where Francine showcased her eating prowess by out eating us and I think all other guests they had there that week! Haha!
After that we headed on the nearby medieval town of Vadstena to look at the castle and medieval ruins they had there. Had to walk off the food.

Typical Asians posing in front of the castle gates. Luckily it was chilly and not many people around. Paiseh leh.
Finally the day we had to say goodbye. sob sob..I was really sad to see them go since it was the best holiday I had ever had since moving to SwedenAnd this is usually what happens when the Singaporeans and lone Malaysian prepare for a photo moment...first the thought that goes into the pose.

The initial pose that usually is a miss, especialy when it's windy and people can't decide on their poses. Or in this case, you get an impatient photographer ie. me.

And STILL they can't get it together! We have a plane to catch, people!

And Mr. Kelvin always on point with his handy dandy camera, taking pictures of odds and ends.

Thanks, Kel and Fran for visiting me! It was something I truly needed. Good friens, good food and great company.

MSN Chat Newbie

I've been using Msn to chat and videochat with others for years and now that I live so far from family and friends, it has become even more essential as a tool to remain connected to those I love and miss. For me and most in my generation, chatting and webcams are just part and parcel of life and sometimes we tend to take it for granted.

That is far from reality for a lot in the generation of my parents which of cos includes my own wonderfully, technologically idiotic parents. It was only 2 years ago that my mum got her first mobile phone and it took her another year to learn how to make calls herself on it and she's still trying to remember to charge it when the battery runs low. To date, she has yet to learn how to send or even read smses and save phone numbers in her mobile. It is not from lack of trying from her 4 children. Each one of us have spent various amounts of time trying to get her to create an sms but with all the trouble we have getting her to actually read one, we think creating it is a case of hopeless intention.

My father is almost 20 years older than my mother and got his first mobile phone just a few months ago. He was very excited about that, even tho the man tries not to show it. But from the numerous calls he makes to my mother just because he can, we know he's excited, like a child with a new toy. And that was pretty much all he managed to learn to do until a few months later, he spills water all over his bedside table where the phone just happened to be and so that was the end of my father's journey into communication technology.

So far, I've chatted with my mother on Msn using the webcam only once before almost 2 years ago with help from my brother who set everything up and got her to just sit on the chair in front of the screen. Although my father did step in once in a while for a few seconds, the computer is like kryptonite to the poor man and he could never stay for more than a few seconds before running away.

Yesterday, my sis in law asked me to go online so that I could chat with my parents since they were visiting my 1st brother and his family in KL. So my dear sis in law set everything up for my parents and all they needed to do was sit in front of the screen and we could see each other but that was where the fun began.

My father didn't come to the screen at first and I managed to on ly chat with my mother but after a while she called him and coaxed him into sitting with her, using my nieces as bait. But he finally settled down and we all chatted pleasantly, my chat newbie parents and I, for a while. I know that with the big time difference, it was close to 9pm in KL while it was still the middle of the day for me and soon they would be going to bed.

Suddenly, my father starts getting curious about everything that he sees in front of him and starts asking my mother about everything. Now, this is truly a case of the blind leading the blind but my mother tried to answer as best she could and if my sis in law happened ot be in the room, she would answer him. And I get to watch all this unraveling in front of me like a movie which was truly fun.

My dear dad keeps turning to my mum saying, 'where am I? Can she see me? I don't see you (my mother), sit closer lah!' All this time I can see both of them clearly on my screen and if he knew where to look he would also see that they both appear within the chatbox.
My mother, not the most patient of people tries her best to maintain her cool telling him, 'She can see me, look at that box there. She can see us lah!'. To which my dad stares hard at the screen and then points, 'Oh! You mean that's what she sees? She sees everything there? So she can see me lah? (touching his face) Why are my eyebrows and forehead so white?'

Now note that I am still online and watching them and I can hear everything they say and yet my father still acts like I can't hear a thing. I am left wondering what he's looking at when I'm actually talking. He's still concerned about his white forehead cos he's a pretty dark skinned man and anything that appears white on his skin is a concerning anomaly. I want to tell him that it's white bcos the light from the screen is reflecting off his shiny bald forehead but I don't think he'll understand.

So we go on chatting for a while longer and suddenly the old man gets concerned about something else. I see him staring hard at his screen and he keeps pointing at it while trying to get my mother's attention who by this time is trying to ignore him.

Dad: (pointing at the screen) Why are our faces so dark? How come Dian looks so bright? Why is the screen so black?

I keep thinking that his MSN has hung or his video screen has blacked out which can happen if the network is overloaded but I'm a little skeptical cos I can still hear them clearly.

Me: What are you talking about? I can still see you. Can you hear me?

Dad: Yah I can hear you but why is our picture so dark? Your picture is so bright.

At this point my sister in law walks into the room and my dad asks her the same questions while pointing at the relevant things on his screen which I of cos cannot see. Then I hear her explanation and I wanna fall off my chair, it was so funny.

Sis in law: Her picture is bright bcos it's daytime there, ayah. Your faces are dark cos it's night time here. (switches on the table lamp) Here, maybe this is better.

Dad: (eyes open wide in amazement) Oooh! No wonder! Yah yah! This is much better. Thank you.

My sis in law leaves the room and goes into her livingroom and yet I can still hear her laugh heartily while telling my brother the incident. All I can do is shake my head at my adorable sotong of a father.

Explosion

You may have noticed that for the past 4 and a half months, I have not uplaoded any new pictures of myself. I'm not sure myself why but we have been taking pictures of the progress of the tummy growth through the weeks for archival purposes. Hee hee!

But now I have decided to finally present you the first pictures of me post-fertilisation (bwahaha..), and that is mostly because I just needed to show just how the tummy seemed to explode in size overnight! Usually my tummy grows strangely big overnight and that is due to a gassy tummy. It would go back to normal size in the night and when I wake up in the morning it wouldn't be so humongous. But now, it's gone 2 days and the tummy has NOT gone down in size.

It is just BIG BIG BIG! I'm going through a freak out moment right now cos all this while I had thought that my tummy is quite small for being almost 5 months along. Not that I was not pleased that my tummy was pretty small. As a matter of fact, I was VERY pleased that the tummy was relatively small and hide-able and the neighbours still have no idea we are expecting.

Here is me in an attempt to hide the tummy on 16th April 09 (19 wks along).
Quite successfully too, I think.

But now, there is NO way I can hide my pregnant tummy even when I have a jacket on and suddenly everything feels so real. There is a baby growing inside there!! And to top it all off, the baby has started kicking! I have felt something that I suspected were tiny kicks for a week or so now but it wasn't strong enough to be felt on the tummy. But this week, the baby has been kicking and kicking and finally dear husband can feel the tiny kicks I had felt which is a great thing cos he had been feeling a little left out by not being able to feel a single kick. It's wonderful to see his face light up when he has his hand on my tummy and he knows his baby is in there kicking away.

And the other night, we experienced the most compelling evidence that the baby is active and moving around in there while it still has the space to do it. I was lying in bed getting ready to sleep and I shifted position and apparently that prompted the baby to move as well and it felt like she did a wild somersault, didn't quite make it and ended up upside down, butt up and pushed hard against the right side of my tummy. And the funniest part of it was that it felt like she couldn't move and was stuck in that weird position. Both husband and I could actually see the right side of my tummy bulging weirdly out and it was hard and felt VERY uncomfortable.

All I could do was laugh in discomfort while telling husband dear to massage and shake my tummy so that we could hopefully move the little one back into a more normal position. And it worked!!! Massaging the tummy definitely helped to move baby back into a flatter position but how weirdly cool is that??! Hee hee!!

Comparison of how the tummy has EXPLODED into BIG!

Tummy at 19 weeks along (16th April 09)





See how it the tummy is JUST past boob level.

Tummy at 21 weeks (24th April 09)





Look at how SHARP the tummy has become and HUMONGOUS! This happened almost overnight! How fast can this baby grow! I'm freaking out cos this is not gradual and I don't feel like I have the time to get used to the size before it moves up in size again. Is it wrong for me to think that way?

More bad news...amidst the good

Been doing some reading up online about these pains I've been having in my right leg and I have more or less self diagnosed myself to have Pelvic Girdle Pain (PGP), a condition that affects the back of the pelvis believed to be due to a less stable or 'unlocked' pelvis.

Our pelvis is a wonderful, very complicated and essential part of our body that is truly under appreciated. Until you experience pelvic pain or have mobility trouble (no, not having a car or driver's licence does NOT count which leads to my 2nd mobility problem but that's for another day). Another condition that I may have although not as severely is Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) which basically attacks the pubic area in the front of the pelvis. So basically I have pains in the front AND back of the pelvis.

Splendid.

Reading the symptoms that define PGP was like the author was writing about me. It was so spot on, it's freaky. Ok fine, granted this is not a rare illness but a relatively common condition that affects pregnant woman but hey, this is my first time producing a human being. I think I have the licence to be a little more drama queenish than usual. So the symptoms as taken from Babycentre.com (comments in yellow are what I have suffered):-

• Pain is often one sided and may be concentrated in the buttock area (Oooh yeah, right side to be exact)
• It may appear to jump from side to side or be accompanied by a general back pain or Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (uh huh..what did I say about this SPD?? Front AND back pains. There's no running away lah!)
• It can send shooting pains into your buttocks (heck yeah!) or down the back of your legs (right down to the back of the knee!)
• You may also have pain in your hips (right hip! Feels like someone hammering the right hip socket)
• One or both of your legs may feel weak (hence I have crutches now) and you may not be able to lift your legs, particularly when lying down. (hell, I can't even move them sometimes)
• The pain is usually made worse by lying on your back, turning over in bed, walking and standing from a sitting position (you don't say? So basically it's all normal human mobility functions? Sheesh, no wonder I couldn't move)
• It is often worse at night (and there I had thought it was having the husband at home) and the degree of night pain you may experience will probably be related to how active you are during the day (And there I thot I was just being lazy but it was actually self preservation)
• Separating your legs, especially when sitting in a slumped position or lying down can be painful (ooh...husband will NOT be pleased to hear that)

Although it is good to know what I have and to learn what I can do to relieve some of the pain, something I had hoped to learn from going to the doctor which of cos did NOT happen, reading the article further kinda crashed my spirits a little.

'If you experience PGP in one pregnancy, it is more likely to recur earlier in any subsequent pregnancy, and without professional advice or treatment, may be more severe.'

So not only will the likelihood of this torture return to plague me if I decide to have more children, it may return MORE severe if I don't get help? Just thinking of how it can be MORE severe than what I've experienced so far sends shivers up and down my spine and definitely makes me wonder if this baby will be an only child. Hmm...

And more bad news...

'PGP can linger after delivery and it is important that any treatment continues after pregnancy. Around 50% of women can still experience pain at 12 weeks after delivery although it is usually much less severe than during the pregnancy. It is more common to have pain that lasts for longer than 12 weeks if you have experienced PGP in a previous pregnancy.'

More common to have pain for LONGER than 12 weeks (which is essentially 3 mths!!) if I was to have a 2nd child??! Bad enough knowing I will have this pain (tho not as severe) for about 3 mths after birth but to know it not only will come back but will last longer for my next child and the next and the next??? What I can say for RIGHT NOW is that if we were to have a 2nd child, it will NOT be a planned one. Uh uh...nope..definitely not planned.

But apart from treating the pains that I face now DURING pregnancy, I am also worried and frankly freaked out by what I will face come labour. But one silver lining in this black cloud of pelvic pain is that it is SUPPOSEDLY rare for PGP to cause any problems during labour, with appropriate advice of cos. And if possible, I should consider delivery positions other than lying on my back. Ok, so it seems I have to be somewhat upright when pushing this melon of a baby out, either kneeling, standing (eee-oooh!) or any other gravity assisting position which it seems is more comfortable, if comfort is possible during the most painful period of a woman's life. Apparently, this is all due to my difficulties in separating my legs due to the PGP (a condition I OBVIOUSLY did not suffer from pre-pregnancy).

So what have I learnt so far other than this pain is not a figment of my imagination, overly exaggerated or to be taken lightly? Being in a lying or slumped position makes the pelvis more unstable therefore more painful while being in an upright position helps to 'lock' it into place thereby giving some relief to the tortured mother to be which is actually VERY good advice and something I may have taken FOREVER to figure out since my first reaction to pain is to lie down (my lazy genes in play again). Plus I should do minimal twisting actions (no doing the Twist then, sorry Chubby Checker) and no lifting or pushing which includes the supermarket carts (an extra chore dear husband has to take up in addition to everything else). Oh and best of all, I should try to march like a damn duck everywhere I go by arching my back and swinging my arms to lock my pelvis in a stable position and activate the muscles responsible for stiffening my pelvic joints.

Fine, stiff is good, soft is bad. Got it. And arch arch arch my back!

I wish I had never gone to see the doctor. It has left me even more dejected, frustrated and feeling even lonelier than before.

It's no secret that I do not fancy any medical staff that I have met so far in Sweden. The medical facilities, although a strange and new system to me, is just something that I will eventually get used. I have no big complaints about healthcare here, purely medically speaking, cos I do believe that they have good facilities available at very affordable costs so that nobody is excluded from medical care they need. But the people that I've encountered while being forced to go through this system leaves me with a really bad taste in my mouth.

Sometimes I wonder what is really the point of going to see the midwife or the obstetrician or the physiotherapist when I don't get the help or the support I need from them? Any of them.

My previous visits to the midwife, the obstretician and for my first ultrasound have done nothing to raise my spirits or excitement about my pregnancy. My own pregnancy has done nothing to raise my spirits or excitement about my pregnancy and baby. I've heard and read so much about how the 2nd trimester is supposed to be the most comfortable period in my entire pregnancy and I'm still waiting for that to happen.

The past few days, i've been hit with excruciating pain in my right hip, leg and butt. I've had these pains before in my 1st trimester but never for this long or this painful. And to make things worse, unlike in the 1st trimester, nothing me or husband do help to relieve the pain. We've tried massage, pain relief creams, hot n cold compresses, walking, standing, sitting and going on all fours, trying to do something else to distract me from the pain, drinking, eating, anything we could think of but nothing worked. The only thing that I noticed was that my worst pains come at night and I had the least pains in the mornings when I had managed to sleep. But as the day progresses, the pains slowly and steadily intensify. And this has been happening the past week or so and all it has done is leave me exhausted, in pain and desperate for help, any sort of help or advise or even a warm or encouraging word to help me get through this ordeal. It helps that husband is there for me but it still feels very lonely when all other voices express neither warmth, encouragement or real support... when and IF I get to hear those voices.

All weekend long, the husband had asked and asked me to let him take me to the hospital to get my leg checked but I refused. I didn't want to drive 45min to the hospital only to be met with indifference and a hospital bill for nothing. I knew it would make me feel even more frustrated in the head and empty in the wallet, so I said no. It was only out of pure desperation for help a few days later that I agreed to call the midwife who made an appointment with the local obstretician who apparently only comes in to see Askersund patients once a week. 'Luckily' for us, she comes on Tuesdays.

From the moment I stepped into her room, I could already sense the scrutiny behind her smiling face. She was watching me very closely to observe how I walked or moved. Having sat us down, the first thing she says was not 'I heard you've been having pains. Can you describe them to me?' which would have been a reasonable thing to ask.

Perhaps it is me and my hormonally hyped up emotions but I did not appreciate her approach of things at all. She turns to me and immediately asks, 'You have requested for an extra consultation. Can you tell me why?'

Suddenly I feel like I'm in the principal's office being interrogated. Why did she have to phrase it as if I had asked for something extra out of her? Just because I'm seeing her for the 2nd time during my pregnancy suddenly this is all extra? Talk about providing a service to your patient. And to think that I was not asked to explain my pains but to explain why I think I needed this EXTRA consultation. Like I said, maybe I'm just extra sensitive to the way people talk and approach me but I did not like how it was all starting at all.

And through the entire consultation ( I call it consultation cos all she did was sit BACK in her chair and listen to me talk.), she maintained the exact same smile and facial expression even when I was trying to tell her just how bad my pains had been. All this did was give me the impression that she did not take me seriously. I honestly think that she thot all I wanted were pills when what I wanted was not only medication but advice and support. If we did not ask the right questions, we would not get answers from her. It was never her asking questions to get to the bottom of things or giving suggestions of what to do. Am I wrong to think that doctors and nurses are there to help you and guide you as much as they can?

I got more and more upset thinking how bad my pains had been and how unhelpful the doctor was that I burst out crying in her office. Even then, her demeanour did not change much but she finally said she will prescribe some painkillers but to use SPARINGLY and only when needed. I know she's looking out for the baby but shouldn't she also take care of the mother?

UGH! I'm so frustrated! I am so close to just giving up, packing it in and moving back to Sg for the rest of the pregnancy but I also know that doing so will just open up a whole new can of worms for me.

Somebody Help!!! Hai...

The unending afflictions of a wretched mother to be

The past 4 and a half months have not been easy. Some days I can feel so sick and out of it that I start wondering if all this is worth it. Come September, I'll probably look back on this post and exclaim, 'Most definitely!'. But for right now, I just cannot enjoy being pregnant and I truly envy those women out there who experience little to no pregnancy pains and discomfort and are able to truly enjoy the amazing experience of a growing life inside you.

Although the nausea and dizzyness have subsided and my appetite has returned (although not fully normal according to husband), new and more painful symptoms pop up. I keep reading all these pregnancy books and magazines that tell me the 2nd trimester is the least uncomfortable and most enjoyable period in a woman's pregnancy. I'm still waiting!!

I've had bad pains earlier in my 1st trimester in my right leg that runs from the right butt cheek down to the back of my knee. We went to a physiotherapist but since it was so early in the pregnancy, there wasn't much they could do except give some suggestions on how to ease the pain a little. And to some extent, those tips worked. Even if it was for a little while, the pains would be at least somewhat alleviated. And those pains usually come out of nowhere causing a lot of pain but just as suddenly, it can disappear and feel as if nothing had happened.

But over the weekend, my pains have taken on a whole new level of monster. My right hip and back of leg is in such excruaciating pain that I can't sit, stand or lie down without wanting to tear my hair out. Even sitting on the toilet bowl is a nightmare, and just my luck that I now have a little mango pressing constantly on my bladder that I believe may just be the smallest one in the world. So Tubby and I meet up every hour if I'm lucky which also means that I need to move from lying in bed to sitting up to standing and actually having to walk the entire 5 metres from my bedroom to the toilet. Just the thought of it send shivers up my spine as every move not only takes an eternity to achieve but also shoots new tsunamis of pain all through my body.

Sheesh! The amount of effort and pain it takes to grow a baby! The production process was relatively easy and quite enjoyable, to put it mildly (heh heh...) but this whole gestation period is just not doing it for me. And I've still got 21 more weeks of this to go through!!

Sleeping, if I can get any now, helps to ease the pain so in a way I can count my blessings (I take them where I can) that the most severe pains happen at night when I've been awake and mobile for most of the day. Unfortunately that also means that husband dear can't sleep cos he tries so hard to ease my pain with massages (he's no professional but he's not Edward Scissorhands either) and cold and hot compresses (husband's idea of cold compress is pressing a bag of frozen minced beef on my back) or acting as my crutches as I make my arduous journey to the toilet and back.

Husband kept telling me to go to the hospital over the weekend to get it checked out but I promptly shot down his preposterous suggestion. Go to a hospital? On a weekend? In Sweden??? And I'm not bleeding profusely or blue in the face?

You must be out of your mind.

Rewind 2 years when I was still pampered in Singapore by the vast selection of private clinics albeit a tad costlier than a polyclinic and a culture of, if you're sick go see the doctor, I would have plonked myself into a waiting room of the nearest 24-hour clinic at the first sign of trouble.

I don't particularly like doctors, medications and definitely not shots and I'm quite sure I'm not a hypochondriac who runs to the doctor for the slightest headache or fever (unless I don't want to go to work and need an MC of cos). But living in Sweden and having encountered the medical staff and service that I have has really and truly put me off trying to get medical help unless I absolutely, unrefutedly need it. And that is up to subjective evaluation (ie. me and husband having a heated discussion about me being in pain).

It's not the waiting time to actually get an appointment to see a doctor that I dislike, it's not the fact that even if you're running a high fever, have chills and are coughing your lungs dry the nurse on the phone will still tell you to take a couple of panadols, rest and maybe she'll set your appointment in 2 days' time, or even that if you are lucky enough to live in a town that has a medical centre, it's open from 8am to 5pm on weekdays and unless you're bleeding or blue, you're highly discouraged from just dropping into the emergency room. No, I'm not put off by any of that, as a matter of fact, to some extent I can understand their policies. But what I just don't understand is the holier than thou attitude of most medical staff I've met. Just because the nurses and doctors went to school a few more years and took a more challenging line of career, they carry an attitude of I know better and why the hell are you here without an appointment wasting my time?

There's barely any friendliness or empathy in their attitudes, they view patients as healthy unless proven otherwise who are there to waste their precious time unless they actually suffer from a serious, diagnosed illness. And me being me, I don't want to make the 45min drive all the way to the hospital (bcos of cos the local medical centre will not even bother with me so that's not even an option), have to wait a few hours just to be briefly looked at by some bored, under stressed, under motivated doctor who thinks that I MAY be in pain but just how much pain is all in my head and who will tell me, take some panadol, rest and it'll pass. And I can't protest and demand to be taken more seriously cos they are polite and exude a thin veneer of niceness which is unfortunately accompanied by a big dollop of disinterest. I haven't really met any doctor or nurse in Sweden who sits me down and not just ask me what is wrong but also asks me questions that show they are interested to know what is happening to me to make me get into a car and drive 45min to find out what is wrong.

Unfortunately I don't have the same verbal repertoire in Swedish as I would have if I could explain things in English but even then, I would appreciate if someone would just take me seriously for once and not make me feel like whatever pains I have are just NORMAL and WILL PASS. Give me suggestions of what to do until then! Tell me what to avoid! Something!! Don't just tell me it's normal. It does not make me feel better, it makes me feel worse cos then I feel dismissed.

Can you tell just how disappointed and unimpressed I am by the medical care in Sweden? Certainly I cannot say for other doctors and nurses that may extend service of the highest quality and who make their patients feel at ease and informed. Maybe I've just been unlucky.

But one thing I know for sure. I salute my mother for the 4 children she gave life to and all other mothers in the world. You deserve to be on the highest pedestal and now I truly believe why we say the doorway to Heaven is on your mother's feet.

Sudden Obsessions

I've always been a big girl. The only times I remember ever being kinda thin was when I was playing sports like a maniac in JC and then when I was in Phuket when I didn't really enjoy the food I had to eat in Phuket which lasted about a year.

But I've never really been very obsessed with my weight even though my mum was constantly reminding me about it when I was growing up. I had lots of friends who accepted me for who I am and not how I looked like so I was contented.

And now that I'm all grown up, I'm very lucky to have been able to keep most of my beloved friends, found a husband who loves me regardless of the fact that I sometimes look and act like a monster witch and live in a country where I can find great looking clothes in my size, physically and economically speaking. But I have noticed a concerning new obsession (well, obsession might be too strong a word) ever since I found out I was pregnant.

First and foremost, I have to admit that for 4.5 months, my tummy still looks pretty unpregnant and I can hide it quite well if I wanted to. The only reason why one of my ancient neighbours and the pizza guy downstairs know about the baby is cos husband dear wants the neighbour's flat and hopes she will sell it to us one day and he got really excited one night when buying pizza and blurted it out. Until about 3 weeks ago, I had gained about half a kilo within a span of 3mths which I have to say made me really happy.

I read a lot of pregnancy articles and forums online nowadays and there are a lot of stories out there of women who gain a lot of weight in their 1st trimester and then have to watch what they eat for the rest of the pregnancy. Some of these women gained about 5kg or so within just the first trimester and that really freaked me out. I mean, I start out heavy and to gain an extra 5kg within 3 or 4 mths during a time when doctors and midwives say weight gain should be minimal if any. Yikes!

I don't want to end up being a Big Mama come September cos everyone knows baby weight is SUPER hard to lose and knowing me and my scant relationship with exercise, it may be mission impossible! So suddenly I'm obsessed about my weight now. The scales at home don't work so I usually weigh myself everytime we go see M's grandparents. It's almost a habit now that the first thing I do after greeting them at the door is that I go straight into their bathroom to weigh myself. So of cos I weighed myself in their bathroom last night after 3 weeks of not having weighed myself (and of cos indulging and feasting in the fact that my appetite is back) and lo and behold I find that I have gained 1.5kg in those 3 weeks.

WHAT??! How in da heck did I manage to do that??!, I almost screamed out loud.

This is the first time in my life my weight has shot up in that short a period and I am sweating bullets wondering about what is to come, scale wise, in the following few weeks in which the baby is supposed to go through a growth spurt. I already feel like a balloon being blown up but now I feel like a balloon being pumped by an electrical pump!

I know I know, my weight gain should not be at the forefront of my concerns right now. I should just concentrate on eating right and ensuring good health and not worry so much about the weight gain. But which woman in her right mind would not freak out like crazy the first time she sees the scales show crazy numbers to her? My worry and mild obsession right now is not so much on the fact that I'm gaining weight cos that's just natural but the kilos I'm gonna pack on.

But one thing I am glad for is that I DID NOT gain much weight at all in my first trimester so at least I've stopped with the sweating bullets. Plus the fact that I haven't really realised until now just how little sweets and goodies I eat. The husband is the goodies monster in the house and the only reason why we have any sweets and chocolates at all in the house is bcos he likes them. And since the pregnancy, I've stopped eating ice-cream altogether. I don't know why but I just no longer have the desire to eat ice-cream. The last time I ate it was my favourite Cornetto ice-cream about a month ago but after 3 bites, I gave the rest to husband dearest cos I just didn't want the rest. How strange is that? Potato chips I still like but since I like JacknJill potato chips and Lays, 2 brands that I can't find here, I don't really eat chips either.

So through my obsession about weight right now, I take solace in the fact that I don't eat much goodies. But that of cos does not mean that I eat super healthy. Salad is still at the bottom of my list of things to eat and things like burgers stand up there among the top 5. So many changes and so many things to consider when one becomes pregnant but like the husband always says to me, just eat what you want and don't worry so much.

Even he thinks I'm a big worry wart. Hai...

Dreams

Everyone has dreams when they sleep. It's just a matter of whether you remember your dream or not. I woke up one morning a few days ago while dear husband was getting ready to for work and I couldn't remember what my dream was about, which is of cos normal. But what I did remember distinctly was that I did have a dream, it was a strange one (my dreams usually are) and that I spoke English in my dream. Perhaps it was the unusually early hour of my awakening, the fact that I managed to sleep through most of the night and the cat didn't try to attack my toes or a question that husband had asked me a few nights prior (we'll get to that later), but I started wondering.

Why do I only dream in English?

I asked the husband if he dreams in English or Swedish and after some thought he said Swedish which makes sense cos that is his mother tongue. But my mother tongue isn't English but I have never dreamt in Malay! At least not that I can remember. Granted my Malay is far from satisfactory and I usually (shame-facedly) struggle to maintain a conversation with my parents in Malay but that is SUPPOSED to be my primal language, isn't it? I mean, I grew up in a Malay speaking environment. My parents speak Malay, my grandmother understands nothing but Malay and growing up, we've only had Indonesian maids. So question no.1, why do I dream only in English and question no.2, why the heck is my Malay so damn lousy??

Perhaps question no.2 answers my question no.1. Perhaps my brain functions and processes in English before translating (if needed) my thoughts to Malay or Swedish or any other language I may need to use at the moment.

It's not really a major topic of discussion but I just thought that was interesting that I dream ONLY in English and the fact that I realise that only now.

What language do you dream in? If you're multi-lingual (like most Singaporeans are), do you dream in different languages?

Coming home from work a few nights prior to that morning, dear husband had told me of a discussion he had had with a colleague that day. His colleague P had suddenly asked Mathias, how do you think people who lived in prehistoric times, before spoken language existed, dreamed? How do they know what they are dreaming about if they can't say what it is?

Yeah, these days they actually can be that free to have such discussions. So anyway, it apparently became a pretty heated discussion with the two men trying to figure it out. How do you formulate your dream if you don't have the power of language to describe what you dreamt of?

My theory is that dreams are a way for our brains to let off some steam. Release images of things we've experienced which I guess would mean that people in prehistoric times dreamt of things they saw and sounds they heard. But with the complexities of modern life and evolution of language, communication and interaction, I still go back to the question, why do I only dream in one language and why that particular language?

Just a thought that I needed to release on a cold, snow stormy day.

Self Motivation And Excitement

Before the pregnancy, I hadn't had much contact with medical personnel in Sweden. The only 2 times I had been to any medical facility was once to the midwife to get a cervical cancer test done (arranged by the govt. Nothing to do with me, I just got the letter to show up) and the 2nd time was to a private clinic that didn't look like a clinic (cos it was someone's house!) to see a German doctor when I had pneumonia. Neither one of those visits took longer than 10minutes and was done with no hickups. Meaning it was so quick, I hardly remembered them.

But those visits were normal doctor visits that I had done many times before in Singapore so I never thought twice about it. I mean, who gets excited about seeing a doctor unless you're a hypochondriac? But visits to the medical centre now are a totally different thing. There are checks done on me that are totally alien to me and questions that I think I'm supposed to ask but I just don't know any better so I don't and the midwife just assumes I know everything and can be really bad about explaining things.

I am pregnant and it is supposed to be an exciting and interesting period of time for me but the medical staff in Sweden sure make it hard for me to stay excited about my baby when I'm with them. I feel massive guilt for saying something like that but that is the honest truth. I really am excited about the baby and all the changes happening to me but sometimes even when one is excited and pepped up, those feelings can diminish or be toned down by encounters with some who is emotionless, non-smiling, professional to the point of being clinical and sterile just like the environment we are in. Talk about a wet blanket. And so far, the midwives that I've met plus one gynaecologist have been just like that in varying degrees.

The first midwife that we went to was strange and very uncomfortable to be with, had great difficulty explaining any symptoms I had apart from saying that it's normal (which does not help me when I'm in discomfort!) and we were glad when we could change to my current midwife.

The midwife I'm currently seeing is better...marginally. Think going from eating uncooked pasta to eating half cooked pasta with no sauce. The first was plain disgusting and the 2nd is palatable but it can be better, much better. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against my midwife now. She is quite pleasant, smiles and laughs appropriately and I can feel pretty relaxed around her but there is still no feeling of connection with her. And this is the woman who is going to help me through my pregnancy. I just wish I can feel happier and comfortable going to her. Let's just say that I have to motivate and excite myself to go for these checks and tests and figure out questions to ask her.

Maybe I'm strange but I feel that my concerns, worries and questions would be so much easier to formulate and remember if I am relaxed in that room with her and don't feel like I'm taking some test where I have to ask all the questions. Having the husband there is supposed to help but he had been so useless in helping me ask questions that I have been forced to remind and threaten him to ask questions every time we are approaching the clinic. Talk about another barrier for me to crash through. And all this in a language that barely a year and a half ago, I could not speak a word of. I may be able to speak and understand it now but to me, that's just another barrier on top of all the other barriers that prevent me from fully enjoying my experience as a mother to be.

As for the 3rd and most clinical of all midwives, we met her just recently. I'm just glad that I don't have to meet her very often if ever again. On the last Friday of February, husband and I headed to the university hospital in Örebro (I call it da big town) for our very first ultrasound. We had been looking forward to the day all week but on that Friday itself, we were really excited and pepped up to see our baby for the first time. I mean level of excitement as we neared the hospital grounds was probably at an 8 from a scale of 1 to 10. Taking the lift up to the prenatal department, registering and waiting for the nurse to call my name, our excitement level perked to a 10. That was of cos until she came out. She was a tiny lady and didn't have a very mean face but her stiff demeanour and curt manner of speaking quickly deflated my level of excitement back to an 8.

Midwife: Sjöberg? (we approach and she shakes our hand gruffly)

Me: Hej, Dian. (Hi, I'm Dian)

Midwife: (looks down at her chart) Ja, Det stämmer. Följ mig. (Yes, that's correct. Follow me.)

Oh no, I thought, is this gonna be another one of those weird midwives? Why do I have to keep meeting these kind of people?

I think the husband felt the same way cos he looked the same way as me and we had a frantic sign language conversation behind the midwife who didn't even bother to turn back. She just marched right up to the door and pointed into the room. I suddenly felt like a naughty student sent to the principal's office. Excitement level dipped to a low 6. This is ridiculous! I'm supposed to be seeing my baby for the 1st time and this is how I'm made to feel? So I tried to smile it off but it can be difficult when she is the one who will be doing the ultrasound.

We take off our jackets and she tells me to sit on the examining table before turning back to her computer. I look at Mathias and quietly ask him, What do I do with my shoes? Do I have to take my pants off? I don't understand. Husband is of cos just as bewildered as I am and tells me to take off my shoes but leave the pants on. Just as I start unzipping my boots, she quickly turns and says very sharply, Don't take off your shoes! Just lie on the table and lift up your dress.

Oh boy, this is so not helping to up my excitement level. By now, I've managed to self excite up to a respectable 7.5 but I felt far from happy. My heart was pounding with trepidation and uncertainty of what the mad midwife is going to do and what we will get to see. I'm afraid to talk to the husband and even more terrified to speak to her. How is this supposed to be a wonderful experience for me?

In her curt voice and sharp tone, she asks me all sorts of questions so I feel like I'm being interrogated. All this while her back is turned to me and I'm lying totally vulnerable on the table with husband sitting out of sight by my head. He just sits back the whole time and never once leaned close to me so I could tell he was present from us holding hands and squeezing it once in a while. Ugh! I'm hating my situation.

But finally the mad midwife switches on the machine and there is a screen on the wall right in front of me so we could see what she sees on the machine and we see our baby! Finally, my level of excitement reaches a phenomenal 11 and all I know is the image of the baby in front of me. Mad midwife's voice is blocked out and any questions I may have had disappeared. Well, honestly speaking, even if the questions hadn't disappeared, I would have been too terrified to ask the mad midwife. She is making small comments here and there is her emotionless, monotonous voice and suddenly we see the baby move! Such an active baby, refusing to stay still for a proper shot to be taken, playing with its hands, turning around and around the more the midwife shook my tummy to get it into the right position. Our baby is perfect and healthy and from the measurements she took, the baby has the greatest chances of being born healthy.

Well, I guess it doesn't matter that I didn't dare ask her anything. She answered the most important one. Our baby is healthy and happy and very active. And no, one cannot tell the sex yet. We're still thinking if we want to know. Probably not.
Baby apparently playing with its arms. Right arm is actually resting by its head while left one is chilling on its side. And yes, it took me a while to figure out where those arms are.

Ultrasound image of the baby on its back. It took a while for the baby to calm down for this shot.

Why don't they have it here??

Anyone who moves to a new country expects to see cultural, environmental and social differences. But having lived in 3 different countries, in 3 different chapters of my life I've come to a conclusion. One does not quite fathom and realise just how big these differences can be until one is faced with FTP, first time parenthood.

When I was still young (actually YOUNGER. One should never frivolously take away from one's youth) and single, I worked and lived in Thailand, Phuket to be exact, for a period of time. That was where I met my husband but for the most part, since it was a long distance relationship, I still felt like I had the freedom of singlehood. Granted that Thailand is not that far removed from what I was used to in Singapore, it was still a new environment with very specific social and cultural differences. It took me a while to assimilate and feel comfortable although having a close friend as a flatmate for half of my time there helped. But all in all I felt like it was quite easy to get used to life in Phuket, even though I didn't have a lot of the amenities I was used to like a good, cheap transport system.

I suspect now that my ease at getting used to the lifestyle, people and language could have been due to my youthful enthusiasm and single girl mentality. I didn't have a care in the world and the only person I needed to take care of and could fully depend on was me.

I've been in Sweden for almost as long as I was in Phuket and yet I find myself unable (or perhaps to some extent unwilling??) to get used to life here. Unable to understand and perhaps fully accept the cultural, social and environmental sphere surrounding me right now. In other words, I'm having a hard time fitting in or feeling like I belong somewhere in this big puzzle called Sweden. Unlike that innocent, eager single girl of 4 years ago ready to take on whatever Thailand had to offer, I'm now a married, stay at home wife, expecting her first child.

How time flies.

I've always been aware of just how different Sweden is from Singapore but never more so than now. Being pregnant for the first time, all that I know about childcare is what I have learnt from my mother and sister in law and whatever I've been exposed to in Singapore. There are so many things that I had been so used to and had taken for granted in Singapore that simply do not exist or are a rarity here and I am CONFUSED!

I don't really have any Swedish friends here that I feel comfortable enough to openly ask about the silliest things like what would they do if the baby has wind in the tummy. If I was to ask that I would probably get a blank stare and they would ask me, what do you mean by wind? But ask any Singaporean and they would immediately say, Ai..wind ah! Alamak, better go put some Axe oil on your stomach. I did try to ask Mathias' grandma about that and I did get a blank stare before she laughed embarassed and said you just pick up the baby, pat it and carry it around til it feels better.

That put a blank stare on MY face. Why would one need to do that if one can just use the baby bird oil and gripe water? Ok fine, maybe not all are familiar with the bird oil until you see the red metal tube the bottle comes in with the picture of the peacock on it at the chinese medicine shop. Fine, I can understand since it's an asian product. Then we move on to the idea of milk powder. I'd been walking up and down the baby aisle at the supermarket and have yet to find baby milk powder. As is, adult milk powder does not exist in Sweden but to not be able to even find baby milk powder worries me. Perhaps I just don't know the Swedish name for it but you see what I mean by asking the silliest questions? Eerr..excuse me, but which pack is milk powder?

I know, I know, there's no harm in asking but sometimes I just want to have the stuff that I had when I was young for my own baby. I can't even get Johnson's & Johnson's baby products here cos Sweden does not seem to carry that brand. Sure there are other brands that are just as good but none of them have the same wonderful fragrance that can only come from the J&J baby milk bath or the J&J baby no more tears shampoo.

Am I just being difficult and petty? I do wonder that sometimes about myself. Am I just making life more difficult for me cos I'm so homesick? So many wonderful conveniences that I love and miss that are simply not available to me anymore.

But then, every now and again I come across something or rather the lack of something that gets me all riled up again (remember, it's the raging hormones raging) and I get even more homesick and wonder, WHY DON*T THEY HAVE IT HERE??!

What was it today?

Today, I got all riled up again after some much appreciated peace (yea, a happy life is a happy wife) when I made a list of things we need to get for the baby. The big things, not the small supermarket stuff like wet wipes and diapers but like the cot, baby bathtub, pram etc. Husband look through the list and then dared to ask me (cos I'm still so vulnerable and unpredictable), what's a hot water boiler?

To me a hot water boiler is not just the electric kettle we have that boils water when we switch it on. A proper hot water boiler is a machine that not just boils the water but keeps it warm at all times. Most Singapore homes have one and a mother with a demanding newborn would be lost without it.

Or so I thought.

I got the oh so familiar blank stare before he dropped the bomb on me.

We don't have that here.

What do you mean? In Sweden? There is no hot water boiler in Sweden??!

I don't think they have it in Europe. The first time I saw it was in Asia.

WHAT??!! But I don't want to wait for water to boil in the middle of the night or make milk in advance. Milk should be fresh! What kind of place does not have hot water boilers??

(very nervous) I'll go check with our suppliers at work to see if they have anything.

You'd better! You work in a damn appliance store! how can you not have my water boiler? I can't have a baby without a water boiler! Get me a boiler! If you don't get me a boiler by the middle of my 3rd trimester, I'm not having the baby! I'm very determined, you know.

I know you are.

Yes I am! I'm gonna hold it in until I turn blue! I promise you!

A little taste of the daily melodrama that plays out between husband and hormonally charged wife who was already a drama queen to start with. My pooooor husband. A good thing I married an incredibly patient man. And yes, the man has 4 months to get me my water boiler or there will be hell to pay.