Ramadan in Askersund

The time has finally come again to fast for a month and this time I will be doing it in Askersund, Sweden. It is so exciting because of the new experiences of fasting in a new country, breaking fast in a new environment and on top of it all being married and knowing that I am responsible for nourishing my family before dawn and at dusk.

I'm really lucky in the sense that the husband is not too fussy about what he gets to eat since he is almost always guaranteed something good anyway. Plus the fact that he can't eat a proper meal in the mornings so that means that I don't have to cook inthe early mornings like my mother, aunties and grandma do. Yay! So we actually eat breakfast like toast and cereal at dawn and then a proper dinner come dusk.

It is a strange feeling to be sleeping next to a man and know that on this extra holy month, it's ok to be sleeping next to this particular man. It's a very weird reaction I know but there's this tinge of guilt that maybe this is wrong. I'm not supposed to be this close to a man during Ramadan! But the husband just laughs it off, kisses me goodnight and falls right back to sleep. Fine, it's just my paranoid self rearing its ugly head. But a girl is entitled to be paranoid. It's just part of our biological make-up.

But with the start of Ramadan, one usually gets more thoughtful, more philosophical and in some ways start to think too much. And that tends to happen to me. So last night as I lay in bed, my thoughts start flying around in the dark.

I am now a girl who can no longer call herself a girl. I am a married woman with a family and responsibilities. With the fasting month, I am reminded once more of my responsibilites as a wife, as the mother of this family, the nourisher of both the body and mind. I was told of my responsibilites when I got married and now as I turn my thoughts away from the problems of my physical world into what is inside me, I suddenly feel a panic.

I can't be the bearer of such responsibility! I'm not ready to guide anyone especially not any children I am have. How can I think of bringing anyone into this world when I'm not confident that I can take care of a child and prepare it for the challenges of this world and the uncertainties of the netherworld. If I can't take care of myself, how can i even think to care of someone who will be totally dependent on me for years and years?

I will be responsible for the education of any child I have. Be it in school or in religion, I'm not ready to do that! I don't want to f*** up a child's life and I don't want to mess up so bad that I turn out a selfish human being who shows no respect and hates me. Ugh! I'm not ready to be married...to have a family...to bear such responsibilities!!! What was I thinking 10 months ago when I signed those papers?!

See what I mean when I say that I think too much? I mean, we're not even planning to have kids just yet! But these are thoughts that occasionally and without reason enter my brainand refuse to move out. So irritating.

I just needed to vent out and I probably will do so a lot more. This will be a bumpy month. Thanks for listening.