Zoning Laws

Since getting pregnant, I've been overwhelmed by all things symptomatic of the first trimester.

Nausea? Check.
Puking? Oooh...check.
Dizzyness? CHECK!
Tiredness? Absolutely. Check.
Backaches? Check and a little more.
Inability to sleep well? Check. (to be honest, I don't even know if this is a symptom)
Sensitivity to smell? Check.

The list goes on and on but these are my main highlights of torture right now. But my point in mentioning this is that because I feel so tired and so bad, I stay in bed most of the day, watching tv, reading or simply thinking (dangerous stuff, if you were me.).

One of the things that I of cos think about is the baby and how it affects my body. Any pregnant woman's body, as a matter of fact. When I met the physiotherapist, he explained that the reason for backaches and especially aches in the hips and joints is due to the fact that my body is acknowledging the fact that a baby is growing inside and needs space. It is also acknowledging the fact that eventually this little troll (yes, that's our nickname for the baby right now) will need to come out. So what does the body do?

Apparently, to allow greater mobility and flexibility in the hips, my hip joints have loosened and spaced out a bit so that my hips can broaden even further and move in a way that it has never been able to before. Wow...I have disjointed hips now. As strange as it may sound, it actually makes sense. How amazing the woman's body is, right?

I started thinking about my own body and all the different functions that the various parts will play before and after birth. So I've decided to divide my body into different zones that caters to the needs and wants of the troll.

The Zones:

The VIP Room (The stomach) - This is where it will be most obvious to others come the 2nd trimester onwards that a woman is pregnant. This is also where food that mother consumes goes to and where the worst battle scars of pregnancy will be (stretchmarks! UGH!). Like any VIP Room, all cuisine that enters must be top notch and with many VIP Rooms, what goes in looking good, may sometimes come out through the entrance instead of the exit, looking and feeling like crap. In terms of the asthetics of the VIP Room, one must ALWAYS ensure careful maintenance with frequent polish and shine (make the anti stretchmark cream your best friend), especially when one starts reaching maximum occupancy.

The B Zone (The womb) - The most important zone before birth cos this is the Baby Zone, where the uterus is and where the baby will grow bigger and bigger. And according to the doctor who examined me, I've got PLENTY of room in my B Zone for the baby to grow in so it's all good to go. Now what I wonder about is how does the doctor figure that out? Does she spread my Red Zone (we'll come to that), look in and if an echo comes back when she talks, it's spacious? I'm starting to feel like a piece of real estate now.

The Red Zone (Birth Canal/as what my mummy would call it, the Flower) - The reason why this is called the Red Zone is simple. Nothing to do with blood or any of the gory stuff you may be imagining. I'm terrified of the actual birth and I KNOW that it will be painful and screaming will be mandatory. Imagine that I will have to squeeze something between a grapefruit and a melon (depending on how much weight it puts on from me)through my red zone!! Just the thought sends chills up my spine and down my disjointed hips. All this pain, anguish and horror culminates neatly into one big, vibrant colour RED.

The Dungeon (The Back and Hips) - From medieval times, the dungeon has always been used for torture and captivity. It is a symbol of pain and misery and of the almost impossible chance of escape. My back has been a source of my pain and misery since the start of this pregnancy and I know that it can only can get WORSE as the baby grows bigger and heavier. Before the troll made its appearance, my remedy for backaches and muscle pains would usually be a dose of the strongest painkillers or muscle relaxants around and a slathering of the most potent and effective muscle cream or even better numbing cream so I can happily drift off into sleep and wake up refreshed and pain-free. But now...all I can take is 2 panadols which does nothing and some cream called Ormsalva (translated snake cream but I think it's just called that to give it a facade of menace) which does not provide the relief it promised. I see no reprieve from the pain until my dear king (ie. husband) comes riding in and fights his way to the dungeon with help from a heating pad and warm towels to give me a glimpse of relief and escape ...aaaaahh....my sweet prince.

The Loading and Unloading Bay (The arms) - It's pretty self explanatory, right? You pick up the baby with your arms, you put the baby down with your arms. You fold up the ridiculously complicated pram that you thought was so cool when you first buy it and carry it into the car with your arms, you unload the pram and unfold it. All within the loading and unloading bay.

The Lunchroom (What else? The breasts) - For the first few months of the troll's life, it will need to come directly to the lunchroom for all meals and snacks. The troll will have choice pick of left side or right and will always be first in line. Unfortunately for the daddy, since he enjoys most of his meals and snacks elsewhere, he will always be last in line to the lunchroom.

The No Fly Zone (The hair and Face) - It is very important for the troll to understand from very early on in life that this is a strict No Fly Zone until it has reached the appropriate age (can be negotiated once eye hand coordination has stabilized). If by any chance, the troll does trespass into this zone, it will be passed on to a nearby Loading Bay where the No Fly Zone rules are less strict (ie. the father). Why? Cos NOBODY messes with the do and the kup. (If you don't know, the hairdo and the makeup. Come on, people, pay attention here!)

These are the various zones that I have so far. I'm sure more will come as the months pass and more needs turn up. But please, do share any other zones that you think should be included. I'd be more than happy to update. *wink*