Baby Boom

Just found out that yet another friend has given birth. I've known her since our teen years when we were classmates in secondary school. Actually, we were schoolmates for over 9 years and to think that she is now a mother as well. It seems that 2009 has been a year rich with pregnancies and births.

Just this year alone I know of 4 women myself included who has or will be giving birth to their firstborn this year alone. Our children will be of the same age albeit in different parts of the world. And one of my friends from Thailand who married a Turkish man and moved there last year is due to give birth sometime early next year. It really feels like some sort of baby boom is happening all around me. 2 of husband's close friends had their firstborns late last year while my friends seem to be catching up this year.

It didn't feel too long ago that I was in university, without a care in the world and certainly far from the subject of babies and families. That is not to say that most of my friends are popping babies right now. As a matter of fact, most of them are still swinging sistas, living out their careers and exploring the jungle. My closest, bestest girlfriends are still living the free life that I so envy sometimes but as with everything, the grass is always greener on the other side. I know they will tell me that they envy what I have too. But I do still yearn for that independence and self suficiency I once had. I long for it with a burning passion. The year before I got married and moved away from Singapore was one of the best and most free I had felt and I miss that so much. I appreciate what I have right now but I sometimes miss that life I had even more. And that makes me feel guilty for being so ungrateful for the blessings I've been given.

I've asked a few of my young mother friends and even husband's sister, Jessica if they ever had any doubts when they were pregnant and I have gotten nothing but a resounding 'YES!'. Every woman carrying her first child will have doubts, anxieties and uncertainties about labour, childbirth, parenthood and the future. A woman who says she has never had an iota of doubt during her pregnancy is plain lying. I guess I'm very slowly starting to realise that I'm not alone in my mini panic attacks and stresses about what the heck I'm doing, how did I get myself into this situation and how I will get through everything in one sane piece. But sometimes I wish I cuold just meet another mother who is willing to openly lament and complain about her pregnancy like I do now instead of being so blasé about the whole experience and making everything seem like it was not a big deal but I attribute that to pregnancy amnesia, a condition I had mentioned before suffered by new mothers all over the world.

Some days I think I'm falling to pieces and really doubt my ability and strength to even get through the day. But some days are just wonderful and whizz by and I can even appreciate the life inside me, kicking with all its worth. No matter how supportive dear husband is now, I don't think he can really understand the emotional rollercoaster I've gone through in this pregnancy. The closest he ever came to understanding was when I was at my lowest point and all he could say was, 'This pregnancy is really breaking you down, isn't it?' and for once he hit the nail right on the head.

I feel so guilty sometimes for wallowing in self pity and negative thoughts. After all, everyone keeps telling me to think positive cos whatever I feel can be sensed by da baby. Think of the baby, think of the baby. But sometimes I don't want to think of the baby. Thinking of the baby just brings me down cos along with that comes the memory and feelings of pain and distress that I had been subjected to. Is that too evil to admit out loud? That I feel stressed cos my body feels like it's failing me and I'm afraid of how much more it will fail me, especially when it comes down to the crunch? I'm very grateful that my pains don't come all at once but it doesn't help that it comes one after the other almost non stop either.

I guess that is perhaps the heart of the problem. The fact that I feel like my body has failed me which in turns breaks me down mentally therefore my mind fails me too during my darkest days. And that, unfortunately, takes away the joy and anticipation that this baby of mine is supposed to bring. I want to get out of this downward spiral but I'm not sure how. Especially with very little to distract me from the occasional gloom. I'm glad it comes less and less often now but I'm afraid of what it will turn me into if given the chance.