Week 35 and counting down...

Technically it is week 34 and 3 days today and counting...baby is just growing and growing and soon it will be time for it to come meet the world. Found out during a routine check that my blood sugar level is a little too high for comfort and so I have now been put on a strict low sugar diet which means no soda, no juice, no cookies and goodies and not even juice or bananas. Added to that I'm told to cut down on white bread, rice, pasta and potatoes and up the intake of wholemeal products.

So I've been really good and have not consumed any white bread (unless you count the one burger I had) have gone wholemeal bread crazy (which explains the frequent business dealings with tubby my toilet friend and have resorted to eating Special K cereal for breakfast instead of toast. I've sadly said my goodbyes to bananas and and gone cold turkey on the juice (which I used to love with breakfast). Hai...never mind...only about 5 more weeks to go before I can indulge. Husband is supposed to make things easier by going on the diet with me but he's not much support seeing how highly addicted he is to all things sweet (including me!)

When we were on holiday in Gothenburg at week 30 plus 2 days. That was also when I discovered my first stretchmarks.

At week 31 plus 6 days.

and now at week 34 and 3 days..plus a whole lot of stretchmarks.

I'm glad my waist has been spared a great deal of expansion so most of the growth has been outward and not all around.

Does that sound like a boy tummy or a girl tummy to you?

Clueless and Confused

Yesterday I spent a day with a new friend I made recently who's also expecting and due about a month after me. She is only 22 years old and expecting her 2nd child and it's great fun to hang out with someone who's NOT over 50 years old. I don't usually enjoy hanging out with young Swedes, to be honest, especially those in their late teens and early 20s cos we have absolutely nothing in common and most of the ones I've met so far have been quite self centred and have a bored with the world attitude.

Anyway, with Carolin it is very different probably due to the fact that she is already a mother and is also heavily pregnant like me. Plus the fact that unlike most other Swedes I've met (especially those under 65 years), she's quite open and not afraid to talk about herself or ask me questions about myself. Conversation just flows a lot better when both parties are willing to share and talk freely. So apart from Jessica, M's sister, Carolin has been helping me loads with trying to figure out what I more I will need for the baby and especially what to think about come winter time since me being the tropical island girl that I am, I am absolutely CLUELESS about what is needed and what the baby should wear and how many of these jackets and coveralls etc I need since they cost a bomb and then some. It was also thanks to Carolin that I realised yesterday that I have completely forgotten to get any pants for the baby. I have 2 pair of pants that we had gotten from Jessica but they are too big for a newborn. So my baby has no pants when it comes home from the hospital and no pants for the first few weeks of its life! Hai... I feel so silly and stupid. One tends to focus so much on the big things like baby cot and tub and blankets that something as simple as pants gets overlooked. Even husband dear did not think of pants.

My poor baby... so now we'll have to go shopping (again) to look for pants and with the clock just ticking by (only 5 more weeks!) I feel this crazy sense of urgency to get pants. PANTS PANTS PANTS! (Can you tell I'm starting to get a little obsessive?)

Ok, moving away from the pants issue (which is a SUPER BIG deal to me..), hanging out with Carolin and her son has given me new perspective of how one takes care of a child which is TOTALLY different from what I've been used to. And I'm not talking about discipline or attitude or anything bombastic like that but the simple things like feeding and sleeping and sitting in the pram.

Something I've always wondered since I found out I was pregnant was milk powder. It was and actually still is very difficult for me to pick out milk powder because it's not called baby milk powder in Sweden plus there are only 4 (tho I've only seen 2) to choose from. Unlike in Singapore where there a thousand options to choose from and the baby or toddler drinks milk warm, people here feed their babies with the milk from powder only if they cannot breastfeed. Hmmm...that's a new thought. So I asked Carolin what kind of milk do you feed the baby when it gets to a few months then? And she says, fresh full cream milk...drunk cold.

Hmm...I feel so ignorant cos I don't know what are the effects of warm milk versus cold milk on a baby. I've always thought warm is better for the system but mothers here feed their babies with cold fresh milk and something else called välling to which nobody has been able to properly explain to me what it is. All I know is that välling is a nutritious drink containing all the essential vitamins etc that you feed the baby with. Call me silly but that sounds a lot like what baby's milk from a powder but no...they insist that it is not milk but something else they cannot explain.

Ooookeeeyyy.....so no milk powder here but they have milk substitutes (mjölkersättning) which one uses onlyif one cannot breastfeed or välling...an indescribable drink (that resembles milk) that is NOT milk but has all the nutrition a baby needs AND fresh full cream milk....drunk cold.

I'm still confused and totally clueless.

I look at the rows and rows of baby food products and drinks and milk and I feel overwhelmed. Not from the variation and choice but from the unfamiliarity of everything. Nothing looks familiar to me and things that I used to take for granted as something that ALL babies use (like milk powder) is simply something else here and I'm still not sure which.

People here look at me funny or give me blank stares when I ask seemingly stupid, ignorant questions like where's the milk powder? Why do I need to microwave my baby's milk when I can use hot water? Why would I make my baby's milk hours in advance, put it in the fridge and microwave it when I need it when I can use hot water? What do I do when my baby has gas in its tummy? Is there an oil or medicine to relive the wind in its tummy?

Are those not valid questions, especially from someone who never grew up in Sweden and is unaccustomed to well...the customs of child rearing here?

Something else I'm unaccustomed to is the fact that when you know a child is tired, you either cut short the trip and go home early (like Jessica) or you let the child cry itself to sleep with nothing soft (like a toy or blanket or pillow) to make itself comfortable and drift off. How come nobody sits down somewhere, feed the baby with milk or whatever it is they have here and lull the baby to sleep so the mother can move on with her day in some level of peace? Is that just me being naive and thinking too textbook? I have yet to see anyone carrying a baby and rocking it to sleep in a public place. Is that a strange thing to do cos i used to do that if needed with my niece? I'm confused.

I'm absolutely NOT saying that their methods are wrong and mine is better cos who is to say what is right and worng when it comes to children? I have yet to test out my ideas on my baby so we'll see how things go but it doesn't take awya from my confusion and feeling of cluelessness. Carolin says just follow my heart and what I think is right and all will be well. Wisest words I've heard coming from a Swede so far.

Do I sound like I'm pummeling Sweden and Swedes in general all the time now? I really don't mean to do that and I don't think that they are all bad. I married a Swede didn't I? And I am happily married. But there are just so many things I don't understand and it's taking a damn long time for me to get my mind around how and why they do the things they do and finally accept that it is the way that it is without reason or explanation and I just have to accept that.

I know things will iron itself out once the baby comes but until then I also know that I will be a nervous wreck, clueless and confused and hoping and wishing that people here would listen to me and not take me so damn seriously, judging me based on what I've said (which is not carved in stone but they think it is) but instead offer advice and opinions for and against and help to make my rocky journey a little smoother.

I'm glad I've found at least one Swedish friend that has been open enough to help me and guide me without strange looks and unfair judgements. But I'm still very much CLUELESS AND CONFUSED.

Rantings of a wretched mother to be II

The weeks pass and symptoms come and go. Winter turned to spring and now summer is here. From a blue cross on a home pregnancy test to mighty kicks directly into my ribs, this baby has grown and become more and more real for me as the weeks pass. And now it is a mere 49 days to my due date. Even then it is not for certain I do have 49 days. The baby can come earlier or later, depending on when it chooses to come. This is completely out of my hands. I won't be the one 'popping' the baby out when it is time, neither can I cross my legs and hold it in till I feel ready to be a mother. It just doesn't work that way. All I know for sure is that there is a baby that can come anytime in the next few weeks and I am nervous as hell. No, I haven't even started thinking about the labour and delivery (that will just drive me nuts) but just trying to envision how my days are going to look like in the very very near future. Even 2 months from now, I will be in a completely different state of mind and body and it is something I cannot fathom yet.

Surprisingly, I haven't even begun imagining what the baby will look like, sound like and be like. I don't envision a small child running towards me, her arms stretched out to hug me and calling me, 'Mummy! Mummy!'. I always thought I would a lot more whimsical about my own baby but apparently not. I look down at my growing tummy and see how it moves with every kick and movement that the baby makes but I still find it hard to see my baby. I feel the pains of pregnancy, I see the consequences of carrying a growing entity inside me (hello, stretchmarks!) and I keep count of the days until it is supposed to come to us but STILL I cannot envision my child! Is there something wrong with me?

I am at the end of my 33rd week and my midwife says it is normal to deliver anytime between week 37 and 42. We haven't begun packing any bags for the hospital yet or written our wish list for the labour process at the hospital. Heck, we haven't even bought a baby tub or towels! If not for my wonderful family sending me a baby care package all the way from Singapore, I doubt I would have bought any of the baby toiletries yet either. I don't know what the heck I'm doing and I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. There isn't really anybody guiding me or even asking me, Hey have you started getting this or that? The baby needs it for this or that, u know! to get me thinking some more of what the baby needs for it's first few weeks of life. I keep asking myself, what the heck am I doing with a baby? I don't know what's good or bad and husband dear doesn't even know his right from his left sometimes! What are we doing??

Yes, yes I know. No first time parent really know what they're doing and it's a life long learning process. The baby does not come with a manual. I wish it did cos I sure as heck don't have a proper mechanic here to help me out in times of need. My family is too far away to really be there and advise on things and my in laws (be it mum, sis, aunt or grandma in law) just don't seem to be da forthcoming kind when it comes to advice on things. It's not that they don't want to give me advice but I think it's just the Swedish way. You don't offer help and advice until you're asked. Which means I have to ask specific questions before I can get any answers. How to ask questions if I don't know what I am supposed to ask about? Husband dear says I am the worrying kind and I should really just take it easy. He's probably right but I just cannot seem to shake off this feeling of helplessness and loneliness as I embark on this journey called motherhood in a foreign land, with foreign traditions and ways of thought and a very alien system of intricate government policies and grants that I am supposed to be entitled to but is so complicated that even husband gets confused.

Just as the arrival of this baby is out of my control, I also sometimes feel like I'm falling down an abyss when it comes to raising my child. How do I stop myself from feeling so helpless and unhelped when I don't know many people here and the relationship I have with those I do know are on such a superficial level? I don't like my doctor, I don't trust my midwife and I don't even want to approach the medical system here if I can help it because I have lost faith in it.

But to be fair, I'm not sure how different I would be feeling if I was living in Singapore. I don't know if my experience with the doctors and midwives would be any better either and who knows how my relationships with friends would change or not with me being married and now pregnant. Of all my closest friends, I am the first to have a child. I hope I haven't and will not change much when the baby does come and I officially become a mum. Things are changing so much and so quickly as it is, I don't want to ever feel like I've changed too much too. Enough with the changes already! I want some quiet down time now.

Right...too late for that now.

**to be honest, I think this is also to a large extent hormones that is causing all this emotional upheaval within me. I'm really not this depressing all the time. I can be quite fun and I have not lost the gift of laughter...yet. :D