Rantings of a wretched mother to be II

The weeks pass and symptoms come and go. Winter turned to spring and now summer is here. From a blue cross on a home pregnancy test to mighty kicks directly into my ribs, this baby has grown and become more and more real for me as the weeks pass. And now it is a mere 49 days to my due date. Even then it is not for certain I do have 49 days. The baby can come earlier or later, depending on when it chooses to come. This is completely out of my hands. I won't be the one 'popping' the baby out when it is time, neither can I cross my legs and hold it in till I feel ready to be a mother. It just doesn't work that way. All I know for sure is that there is a baby that can come anytime in the next few weeks and I am nervous as hell. No, I haven't even started thinking about the labour and delivery (that will just drive me nuts) but just trying to envision how my days are going to look like in the very very near future. Even 2 months from now, I will be in a completely different state of mind and body and it is something I cannot fathom yet.

Surprisingly, I haven't even begun imagining what the baby will look like, sound like and be like. I don't envision a small child running towards me, her arms stretched out to hug me and calling me, 'Mummy! Mummy!'. I always thought I would a lot more whimsical about my own baby but apparently not. I look down at my growing tummy and see how it moves with every kick and movement that the baby makes but I still find it hard to see my baby. I feel the pains of pregnancy, I see the consequences of carrying a growing entity inside me (hello, stretchmarks!) and I keep count of the days until it is supposed to come to us but STILL I cannot envision my child! Is there something wrong with me?

I am at the end of my 33rd week and my midwife says it is normal to deliver anytime between week 37 and 42. We haven't begun packing any bags for the hospital yet or written our wish list for the labour process at the hospital. Heck, we haven't even bought a baby tub or towels! If not for my wonderful family sending me a baby care package all the way from Singapore, I doubt I would have bought any of the baby toiletries yet either. I don't know what the heck I'm doing and I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. There isn't really anybody guiding me or even asking me, Hey have you started getting this or that? The baby needs it for this or that, u know! to get me thinking some more of what the baby needs for it's first few weeks of life. I keep asking myself, what the heck am I doing with a baby? I don't know what's good or bad and husband dear doesn't even know his right from his left sometimes! What are we doing??

Yes, yes I know. No first time parent really know what they're doing and it's a life long learning process. The baby does not come with a manual. I wish it did cos I sure as heck don't have a proper mechanic here to help me out in times of need. My family is too far away to really be there and advise on things and my in laws (be it mum, sis, aunt or grandma in law) just don't seem to be da forthcoming kind when it comes to advice on things. It's not that they don't want to give me advice but I think it's just the Swedish way. You don't offer help and advice until you're asked. Which means I have to ask specific questions before I can get any answers. How to ask questions if I don't know what I am supposed to ask about? Husband dear says I am the worrying kind and I should really just take it easy. He's probably right but I just cannot seem to shake off this feeling of helplessness and loneliness as I embark on this journey called motherhood in a foreign land, with foreign traditions and ways of thought and a very alien system of intricate government policies and grants that I am supposed to be entitled to but is so complicated that even husband gets confused.

Just as the arrival of this baby is out of my control, I also sometimes feel like I'm falling down an abyss when it comes to raising my child. How do I stop myself from feeling so helpless and unhelped when I don't know many people here and the relationship I have with those I do know are on such a superficial level? I don't like my doctor, I don't trust my midwife and I don't even want to approach the medical system here if I can help it because I have lost faith in it.

But to be fair, I'm not sure how different I would be feeling if I was living in Singapore. I don't know if my experience with the doctors and midwives would be any better either and who knows how my relationships with friends would change or not with me being married and now pregnant. Of all my closest friends, I am the first to have a child. I hope I haven't and will not change much when the baby does come and I officially become a mum. Things are changing so much and so quickly as it is, I don't want to ever feel like I've changed too much too. Enough with the changes already! I want some quiet down time now.

Right...too late for that now.

**to be honest, I think this is also to a large extent hormones that is causing all this emotional upheaval within me. I'm really not this depressing all the time. I can be quite fun and I have not lost the gift of laughter...yet. :D