Fearsome FIL

Parenthood is something that scares everyone, especially first time mothers and fathers. The idea that I am fully responsible for the physical, psychological and mental development of this child I carry for the next 20 years freaks me out sometimes. And I know it's a natural reaction and sentiment and it will probably remain in the back of my mind for the next 2 decades at least.

So many things that da husband and I need to consider when it comes to our ideas of how we want to raise our baby. The fact that we come from 2 very different cultural backgrounds and that we practice a minority religion in this country that even his family is not a part of creates a whole new spectrum of complicated. We've had many of such discussions with each other of cos and we do agree on most things. One of the issues I face right now is not that the husband and I are of different minds when it comes to parenting. It has more to do with my fearsome FIL.

My FIL is a man whose character and personality is such that it has a tendency of overpowering a room. He is a man of good intentions and has many great points but he is also of strong opinion and is not afraid to let you know what they are. I've always known that about him and I also know that he is a man I do not want to cross on a bad foot. He has a rather bad habit unfortunately of thinking that his opinions, although usually very sensible and down to earth, are the right ones and may not be able to accept that others may have a different view of things. I've accepted all these sides of my FIL and for the most part, it has been a fairly harmonious relationship. There have been a few incidents where FIL expressed his lack of understanding and to some degree, acceptance of our way of life and this is especially when he has had a drink too many. And knowing that I am the very reason why the husband lives the way he does now makes these discussions or rather chastisements (it feels to me anyway) very uncomfortable and rather sensitive for me. However, these incidents are few and far between and I learn to get past them so that we can all continue to live a harmonious life. It's all about give and take, right?

But of late, it seems that FIL has gotten even more set in his opinions and a little more vocal about them, regardless of whether he is completely sober or not. And the scariest thing about this is that these opinions seems to centre more and more around our baby. Now, I dare not make any jokes that have anything to do with the baby or my pregnancy when he is within hearing distance bcos he seems to take everything so seriously now. It's as if he can joke about it but nobody else, not even me or da husband who happen to be the parents of the child, is allowed to. And this can be very troubling for me, the hormonally overcharged, hyper sensitive pregnant woman who can cry over anything.

Jokes or lack thereof aside, I get the sense that FIL is getting more and more protective of his grandchild the closer it gets to the delivery date. I may be very wrong but this is just a gut feeling. Take for instance last Saturday when they came over to our apartment for a small dinner party. As we showed my in laws the things we received from my family, the FIL became more and more vocal about his ideas on how we should treat the baby. You cannot this and you cannot that, he would say. Even though his own mother (who was also there) had done the same things and he was actually chastising his mum for doing such old school things that should not be allowed in the first place. Nobody in modern society does that anymore cos it's so barbaric, he said. And the worst thing about it is that I actually plan on doing those very things he has forbidden us to do (yes, he actually used the word 'forbidden') although of cos I did not say.

And what was this barbaric thing that is so awful to inflict on babies? Wrapping them up tight into a bundle with a blanket. I might be completely wrong in the way I'm thinking but isn't the reason why people do that is to keep the baby warm and ensure the baby feels secure without anyone having to hold it? But to FIL, this is equivalent to putting on a straightjacket on a child which is absolutely unacceptable. Oh gosh, I wonder if there will a clash of the Titans if FIL ever sees how my mother will teach me to take care of the baby.

Now, these are very small matters that I hope will blow over and become no big deal once the baby is born. But one never knows and I worry. But my biggest worry and that is da husband's big concern as well is the discussion and possibly argument that will ensue if we have a boy and the time comes for us to circumcise the baby. The circumcision of our son (be it for this child or any future children we may have) is not a point of debate or consideration. We are not at a stage where we are considering whether to go ahead with it or not. We know, in accordance with our religion, it will be done and we just hope for the respect and acceptance of da husband's family. But both da husband and I are afraid that we will not get either the respect or the acceptance of FIL when it comes to this matter. It was a big discussion when da husband decided to go through with it but seeing the trend that FIL is going in terms of his protectiveness of this baby, I wonder to what extent the discussion and argument will go.

I want da husband to tell his parents and have an open discussion with them before the baby is born in case it is a boy. But we are both afraid of that discussion and have been trying to delay it as far as we can. And we both agree that this will be a discussion where I will NOT be present just in case so as to spare me any unpleasantries.

I'm not sure if my in laws, esp FIL, have considered at all the fact that their daughter in law was not brought up in this environment and culture and therefore the values and practices that I may teach my child may be vastly different from they consider to be the norm. And I hope and pray that they will keep a conscious effort to at least respect our lifestyle and practices and maintain that when our child is with them. But these are things da husband knows he will eventually have to bring up to them.

I'm just afraid of when that day comes. Who knows, I might want to move farther away from them after that. I am so nervous and feel like I'm treading on thin ice as it is when I'm around FIL, what more after a deep discussion like that?