Do you know what is one of the worst things to hear from your parents? The kind of thing that will make you cringe so hard you think you can never open your eyes again?

Bedroom secrets.

That's right...things that your mummy and daddy used to do (or worse, still doing..) in the bedroom behind closed doors. Things that should FOREVER remain behind closed doors. There should never be an open door policy for such things. NEVER!

Sure, you can discuss the birds and the bees with your children. Sometimes it's needed and sometimes it's just morbid humour but it is ok, in my opinion.

But for the sake of the child's psychological future, please never NEVER use specifics. You know, like mentioning the male population and their genetilia in a general fashion rather than mentioning daddy's winky (worse if you point out the man as he passes by). Or like dad trying to say men like to look at women's breasts by saying mummy's t**ts look great, don't they? UGH!

Why this rant and rave about parents and their choice of discussion topic?

Obviously because I have had the unfortunate luck of slamming into THAT topic with MY mum when I least expected it. With me being married, I have come to realise that my mum feels it a tad easier to talk about such things with me (whoopee-doo! someone bring out the confetti..). And such occassions, though still rare (thank God!) remain a bane to my existence simply because as much as I love my mother, we do not share such a bond that allows for such topical discussion! Such bonds are sacred and seem to exist mostly between me and girlfriends. Never family. NEVER mother! Most definitely not MY mother.

But today, I called home just to say hi and check how things are. And I told my mum that I'm sick and she gets all worried and tells my dad..blah..blah..blah...so far so good. And then silly me decides to tell her MORE of my suffering here and I mention that I get bad backaches now.

Why? WHY??! Why the heck did I ever mention backaches to her? How can something so simple suddenly turn into something so...so wrong?

She asks, Backaches? Oh dear, you know when we next see you I really should get your dad to teach Mathias this trick.
(So far, I'm still thinking innocent thoughts and wondering, ooh..what magical trick is this that will help with my backache? Some home remedy?)
So I ask, What trick?
Mum: Well, this was something your dad and I used to do in the bedroom. (Uh oh, I think) When you and Mathias are done being together (ah, such old school euphemism), tell him to use the heel of his foot and place it on your below.
(By this time, my mind comes to a schreeching halt. WHAT??! Wait..did I hear correctly?)
Me: Wait...what? Uh..what? Could you repeat that? (Why the heck did I say that?!)
Mum: (impatient sigh) Tell Mathias to use the heel of his foot..
Me:What? His heel? Not mine? Are you sure this is for my backache?
Mum: Yes, yes! It works. It relieved my backache. (Oh God...) So tell him to use his heel and push it down into your below..
Me: What? Ugh...my below??
Mum: Yes, of cos your below..you know, your flower.
(Oh god, my ears are ringing, I swear I'm seeing stars and it's not from the medication. So I decide to just let her ramble on and have this episodic mental torture pass me by)
Mum: It does wonders for your back. You really should try it. It's good for your flower too.
Me: Gee...thanks Mum. We..We'll see...

This brings me back to the beginning of this nightmarish conversation when she said that she'll get my dad to teach Mathias. I'm not sure he will actually do it. For the sake of our mental health and marriage, I sure hope not.

But I am glad that husband is right of mind enough to laugh, in that creeped out, I can't believe what I'm hearing way, and say that will never happen. Both the act and hopefully the lesson from father in law.