Anxiously waiting..

Baby is due next Sunday. I can't believe I no longer have to use number of day or weeks or months to refer to my due date anymore. Of course it's up to the baby when it wants to come but to us the date 6th September is like a holy date full of excitement, anticipation and fear.

What an anti-climax it would be if the baby decided to come much later rather than sooner. haha!

I've begun wondering sometimes what the baby will look like and looking at other mixed race babies (usually Thai- Swedish) and wondering if my baby will look like that. I've seen 2 young mixed children that have fairly dark skin with blond hair and I wonder if my baby would turn out like that. To be honest, I would much prefer my child to have fair skin than blond hair. It just looks so strange when someone has such dark, island people like skin (like those rangers I met on a nature reserve island in Thailand), sporting blond hair. Granted the blond is not super light but streaked with brown but it still looks so strange and unnatural.

One also wonders about the temperament of the baby. Will it be a quiet, content baby that is easy to take care of or one that is fussy and crying all the time for the smallest thing? My mum said that I was an easy child to take care of, a great travel baby (I sound like an accessory) and basically slept and ate my way through early infanthood. Husband dear, on the other hand, was a little rougher on his mum. He was a cry baby who would awaken at the slightest noise (he still does that) and feeding time was a chore. Hmmm...I wonder who our baby will follow.

It's getting more and more difficult walking around and sometimes I get hit by painful cramps, regardless of where I am or what I am doing. I dread going to bed at night or even taking naps or anything that involves me lying in bed cos it hurts to shift positions in bed or even getting out of bed and there are nights when I simply cannot move my legs cos it hurts so much. Thank goodness for my dear husband who literally has to move my legs for me and pull me out of bed or into a new position. I truly admire and feel sorry for those pregnant women out there who have to do this alone. I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over and hopefully for the pains to go away sooner rather than later.

What if my pains don't go away even after the birth?? What if it takes FOREVER for me to feel better? That is something that I dare not think about. I don't even dare to think too much about the labour and birth. All I know is I am going to try my hardest to keep an open mind, be receptive to suggestions and advice and be willing to try almost anything to get through it.

I'm quite glad to have my parents around right now, to be in the company of others during the day and to be taken care of and given advice on what to do or what to expect before, during and after the birth.

It's such a crappy, rainy day today and it is the day of the annual Autum market in Askersund. I feel sorry for the people who are selling their wares in the pissy weather today. I will certainly go down there to walk around and have a look, maybe buy a few things I don't need but it would have been so much more pleasant with at least some sun or at least no rain.

Weather sucks today.

Food galore...ironically it's Ramadan.

It's Ramadan now...started 2 days ago. And yet it's all food galore in the Sjöberg flat with my mak and ayah around.

Feel a tinge of sorry for husband dear since he may not necessarily appreciate the food that we love and that I ask for but then again, how often am I gonna have my mother around to cook all my Singapore favourites? He totally understands and takes it all in stride. On days when we eat something spicy that he can't take like sambal tumis, poor husband has to content himself with eating white rice with fried fish. And when rice is not something he wants that day, I'll make him burgers or mashed potatoes and beef which my dad enjoys as much too.

So last night, mother dear made me mee siam, something I had been craving for for months now. She claims that she made a lot (looking at it, I seriously doubted) since it was just me and my dad who will be eating the bulk of it but come lunch time today, mee siam was gone and dad was asking, what else is there to eat? So here is the breakdown of what we have eaten or are going to eat today...and note, it's only 3pm now.

Fried rice with turkey salami followed by mee siam. Dear 'ol dad was drinking the mee siam gravy like it was soup. 10 minutes, dear 'ol dad came waddling by and shyly asked mother dearest, anything else to eat? Hee hee!

So now mother dear is frying some prata and making sambal ikan bilis and we have just discussed on what to cook for dinner tonight. It will be beef lemak, fried anchovies n eggs and fried vegetables...mmmm...so nice! Husband dear would certainly NOT agree but then again the man is working late tonight so we Singaporeans will be enjoying ourselves tonight! Woo hoo!

Right now, I'm trying to come up with a list of good, spicy foods to eat BEFORE baby arrives (which can be anytime, who knows) since it will be all bland, soupy food afterwards for at least 3 weeks postpartum. Unfortunately, for some reason my mind is all blank except for sambal tumis, asam pedas and mee siam. Hai...but thanks to facebook, friends have helped in suggesting good things to eat! And the list is growing! Woo hoo hoo!

Ooh! Prata is ready, time to go and makan!

Not sure what to do

Last night was one of the roughest nights I've had in a while. Had such pains in my hips and my entire pubic bone area that I could not move my legs on my own. The pains shooting up my entire body sent me HOWLING in pain. But not moving was not pleasant either since the baby decided to move at the same time and NOT in a comfortable way. AT THE SAME TIME, my right wrist was causing me grief and I could hardly support myself on it so shuffling in bed became an almost impossibility.

I could not lie down, I could not sit up and I could not control my breathing. Everything I was taught in my breathing classes went out the window. Not because I forgot what to do but because I just could not stop hyperventilating enough to take in a deep breathe. I still don't know why I could not stop hyperventilating. I knew I needed to and I knew I wanted to but everytime I tried, a new wave of pain overcame me and all I could do was suck in another shallow breathe and moan.

That worries me a little.

What if it is like that when I am in real labour? What if I can't control my breathing enough to be able to take in a deep breathe? It's easy to do it when one is not in real pain but last night, I failed miserably when it truly mattered. Husband dear tried to help me by breathing slowly along with my pain to remind me on how I should be doing it but as much as I tried to follow him, I just COULD NOT take a deep breathe. I know I was not panicking and I know I was not scared of what was happening to me because for some reason, something inside me was saying this was not the real thing. But at the same time, I just could not get past the pain enough to breathe.

I NEED TO BREATHE!!

Husband was worried enough to want to call the hospital but I knew better. I did not know what to do but calling the hospital was not one of them. This was NOT the start of labour but just my body preparing and adjusting for it even if it means torturing me in the process. And yes, it did feel like torture. It was like being paralyzed but still able to feel every excruciating pain that went through my pubic bone area, lower back, my hips and inner thighs. I wonder if this is what they call Braxton-Hicks contractions? I'm not sure but if that was a little mini taste of what is to come, I feel unprepared.

For some reason though, the pains in my wrists especially the right one causes me the most frustration. My back pains, hip and pubic bone aches and even difficulty walking don't cause me even half of the frustration that the shooting pains up my wrist does. There have times which seems to come more often now that I can't towel dry or comb my own hair, spread cream on my face or body and I don't even bother writing anything anymore.

When is this going to end??? It feels so close and yet so far. I feel tired all the time and the aches and pains never seem to leave me alone. I hate having to get up and walk once I've sat down cos it's just so painful to move my legs and shuffle them forward step by step. At the same time I feel guilty for making everyone around me, even my sick old dad, do all the work and walking and carrying.

Guilt, frustration and pain is NOT a great combination. Please come out soon, baby...mama needs some relief.

Rough night

Couldn't get much sleep last night because of cramps and weird uncomfortable sensations in the tummy. Everytime I try and change position it hurts like hell in the pubic bone and I can actually feel the baby literally flop over to the other side which I can tell you is NOT a great feeling. I feel like my insides are being moved around everytime the baby does a flop like that or starts squirming around, something it's started doing more and more. My wrists swell up and ache in the mornings and I have to try and move my fingers and wrists in order to get some sort of mobility back in my wrists but the pain never really goes away. Wearing the wrist support does not help much in terms of pain relief, it only hinders my movements even more. Right now I am at a point where I can't write anymore although typing and using the mouse is alright. I can hold the pen but moving it and applying pressure to write just causes too much pain.

I can't wait for this to be over but at the same time I want to extend and cherish the time I still have alone with dear husband for as long as I can. Such dilemma! But I know it's not up to me anyway. The baby will come when it is ready which can be anytime now although I am due in less than 2 and a half weeks!

I keep reading that around this time the baby is supposed to be sleeping more and not move so much but it seems my baby is a little of a rule breaker. It moves around more often than not and hiccups even more often. The hiccups are not even small, cute little quiverings but big ass, full hearted hiccups that shake the entire tummy. Seems like I won't be left much alone anymore since the baby likes to make its presence known to me.

I have finally gotten around to packing my hospital bag but only managed to do it halfway. It really does look like I'm moving somewhere with at least 3 bags packed so far. One bag for the baby, one for me and husband and a third for the drinks and food we will bring along. Unlike hospitals in Singapore where it's relatively easy to find food at the foodcourt or even the minimart within hospital grounds, hospitals here seem to underestimate the importance of foodcourts and minimarts nearby. One needs to leave the hospital and actually search for a foodmart at a gas station if necessary. They don't even have vending machines! Strange but true...I have yet to find a single vending machine at a hospital. Ironically, the only time that I have seen a vending machine is at the exit of a supermarket.

Sometimes Sweden does not make sense to me.

The time is a-coming..

Less than 2 and a half weeks to my due date and time seems to be moving at warp speed. It's probably due in part to my parents being here so I have company during the day and in part to me trying not to think too much about the impending event that is to change my life FOREVER.

Of course husband and I are anxious to meet our little one, boy or girl, and to hold it in our arms and be able to see the tiny little thing that has been causing me such grief for the past 9 months. I have yet to pack my bag for the hospital and I'm not sure why. Everytime I start thinking about packing a nagging little voice in my head keeps saying, nah..you still have some time to pack, don't worry about it! And so my bag stands empty in my room. I keep saying I'm gonna pack I'm gonna pack but I just can't seem to get around to doing it. I'm not stressed or anxious that I'm unprepared for the hospital, I'm not even thinking about it so much now. I don't know why but I'm not thinking too much about the labour process. Sure I'm nervous about how it will be like and the pain that is to come but it doesn't scare me. I'm not in a state of mind where I think it won't hurt so bad or that I'm being overly positive about the whole thing. It's just that I guess this whole thing still hasn't quite hit me yet.

Maybe that is it. It still (even after 9 months) has not hit me that my baby is now full term and at any time, I can go into labour and a baby is to emerge at the end of it all. I see the baby cot, we've already picked up our baby pram, the car seat is standing at attention in its corner, we've gotten our first pack of baby diapers and all the baby clothes are folded and neatly stacked up. And yet, I'm walking around with this voice in my head going, there's still time, there's still time..don't worry about it. Is there something wrong with me?

I know the husband is really excited and anxious and nervous. He rubs my tummy every so often, talks to the baby when it starts moving too much so I can't sleep and smiles that wonderful smile that lights up his eyes and I know that he is happy. This morning I woke up with bad leg cramps. when husband dear came into the room and asked what was wrong and I mumbled, 'Bad leg cramps', his expression changed and he asked, 'Are you sure it's birth cramps?'. Amidst my pain, I had to look up in wonder and repeated, Bad LEG cramps. What did you think I said?? To which he replied, Oooh, I thought you said birth like cramps. You know, you should speak more clearly cos at this point in time, all I'm thinking is if you're in labour. Hai...my dear husband and his concerns.

Life is pretty good right now and for that I am grateful. And YET, I still can't get it into my head that in no more than a month (most likely less), I will be a mother. I don't know what the heck I am doing, I don't know what kind of mother I'm going to be and can only pray that I show I love my child enough that it will not hate me when it gets older. I know I'm just being paranoid and the worry wart that I am but that is me and I'm not sure I can ever change that.

Now we just play the waiting game and look forward to new life and new beginnings.

Parents in Sweden I

At the airport waiting for parents to come out. We got a little bored waiting so started interviewing ourselves.

Super short video of dad coming out cos Mathias couldn't keep professional and continue rolling!

Our first walk around Askersund where dad got to try out his rollerwalker which we managed to borrow for his 2 month stay. He calls his walker his 'best friend'.