Not sure what to do

Last night was one of the roughest nights I've had in a while. Had such pains in my hips and my entire pubic bone area that I could not move my legs on my own. The pains shooting up my entire body sent me HOWLING in pain. But not moving was not pleasant either since the baby decided to move at the same time and NOT in a comfortable way. AT THE SAME TIME, my right wrist was causing me grief and I could hardly support myself on it so shuffling in bed became an almost impossibility.

I could not lie down, I could not sit up and I could not control my breathing. Everything I was taught in my breathing classes went out the window. Not because I forgot what to do but because I just could not stop hyperventilating enough to take in a deep breathe. I still don't know why I could not stop hyperventilating. I knew I needed to and I knew I wanted to but everytime I tried, a new wave of pain overcame me and all I could do was suck in another shallow breathe and moan.

That worries me a little.

What if it is like that when I am in real labour? What if I can't control my breathing enough to be able to take in a deep breathe? It's easy to do it when one is not in real pain but last night, I failed miserably when it truly mattered. Husband dear tried to help me by breathing slowly along with my pain to remind me on how I should be doing it but as much as I tried to follow him, I just COULD NOT take a deep breathe. I know I was not panicking and I know I was not scared of what was happening to me because for some reason, something inside me was saying this was not the real thing. But at the same time, I just could not get past the pain enough to breathe.

I NEED TO BREATHE!!

Husband was worried enough to want to call the hospital but I knew better. I did not know what to do but calling the hospital was not one of them. This was NOT the start of labour but just my body preparing and adjusting for it even if it means torturing me in the process. And yes, it did feel like torture. It was like being paralyzed but still able to feel every excruciating pain that went through my pubic bone area, lower back, my hips and inner thighs. I wonder if this is what they call Braxton-Hicks contractions? I'm not sure but if that was a little mini taste of what is to come, I feel unprepared.

For some reason though, the pains in my wrists especially the right one causes me the most frustration. My back pains, hip and pubic bone aches and even difficulty walking don't cause me even half of the frustration that the shooting pains up my wrist does. There have times which seems to come more often now that I can't towel dry or comb my own hair, spread cream on my face or body and I don't even bother writing anything anymore.

When is this going to end??? It feels so close and yet so far. I feel tired all the time and the aches and pains never seem to leave me alone. I hate having to get up and walk once I've sat down cos it's just so painful to move my legs and shuffle them forward step by step. At the same time I feel guilty for making everyone around me, even my sick old dad, do all the work and walking and carrying.

Guilt, frustration and pain is NOT a great combination. Please come out soon, baby...mama needs some relief.