A year I'll never forget

2009 has been a year of extremes. Never have I gone through a year with more challenges, trials and tribulations and yet which resulted in the most beautiful and miraculous of gifts.

Pregnancy was no walk in the park. Riddled with nausea, pain and numerous other health issues, there were many moments wen I would be crying out loud and wondering if it was all worth it. And now as I hold my 3 month old Emmalina i my arms, I realise that it was. Not that I'm dying to go through it all again. From winter to spring to summer and just as autumn descended upon us, I went through heaven and hell bearing this child. Through it all, I had the support and love of dear husband whom I could tell was trying all he could to make my life just that little bit more bearable when I felt like I wanted to curl into a all and just die. Yes, dramatic as it sounds, my pregnancy was not a wondrous time of anticipation and joy. I hate being pregnant although I to say that the pains I went during my pregnancy really did prepare me for the actual act of childbirth. In the end, it's not the pains of childbirth that haunts me still but the pains of expecting the child. As husband dear once said to me, childbirth seemed to be a walk in the park for me after all I had gone through before.

This year was also the year when friends finally came to visit me which truly lifted my spirits when my spirits needed most lifting. And my parents coming to see what my life is like here in small Askersund and realising and understanding just why neither me or husband want to move away to a bigger town. Unknowingly, this was to be my father's first and last trip to see me, husband dear and his grand daughter.

This was also the year my father passed away after years of struggle with bone cancer and many other health issues. My father, the man who taught me humility, kindness, sincerity, generosity and whose sense of humour and unwaivering trust in people has stopped me from diving into cynism when life deals me a hard blow. His courage, strength and almost superhuman will to live awes and inspires me to bravely face adversity. I've watched this frail, old man go in and out of hospitals, come out of comas and go through painful treatments and operations and despite all that, he would still be able to crack jokes with the medical staff and walk around to all the nurses on the day he gets discharged to thank each and every onewho has helped him through his stay. He has his moments of sadness, frustration, bitchiness and plain dumb stubbornness but he is only human and no man is perfect. I want to remember him, both good and bad and I want to teach my Emmi about her grandfather who only got to hold her once but who loved her so much that he was willing to risk his health and go through hardship just so he could see his granddaughter being born.

I once asked my father if he wanted me to have a baby boy or girl and even though he insisted that it didn't matter as long as the child is healty, he finally did admit that he would love another granddaughter. So I will teach my Emmi about her yayi who loved her and wanted her so much and held on to life with all that he had just so he could see his 'nana'. His Nana. That was the name he gave to Emmi even though everyone calls her Emmi.

I miss my father so much and cannot believe that it has been a month since his passing. I won't be able to hear his voice again or listen to his silly jokes and watch his even sillier antics. But I know my father was a very well-loved man and deserves to be free from his physical pains after such a long fight to be there for his children and grandchildren. It was his time to go and all I can do is pray for him and hope that my prayers and the prayers of many others make it easier for him in the afterlife. Amin.

I've Finally Joined The Club

My little bear turns 1 month today. Time truly flies when children are at this small small age. It feels like yesterday we were leaving for the hospital at 5am and before I knew it (probably because I was high on laughing gas. haha!) little Emmalina came out into the world, looking all red, white and grumpy.

Labour was of cos bad but not as bad as I thought it would be, especially the first 48 hours. They were erratic but felt like my normal menstrual pains so even though husband dear wanted to call the hospital, I kept telling him that the contractions are not painful enough to deserve even a call to them. This I kept telling him for 2 days even though I continued to show more and more physical signs that this was the real deal (although my water did not break) and the contractions kept getting closer though still erratic. Finally husband could not take it anymore (him not me) and convinced me that we need to go to the hospital cos we have an hour's drive to get there. And I was glad he got so assertive then as the contractions went into a whole new level of intense as we began our drive.

I am surprised, even to this day, that I managed to get through labour without any medication except the laughing gas. I wonder if the gas qualifies as medication. I suppose so since I would not have had that in days of old.

The laughing gas aka nitrous oxide was a wonderful companion almost throughout my labour in hospital. The first puffs and I could already feel the buzz and a sense of lightness and happiness permeated through my head and body. I felt like a hippie, my eyes glazed over and I was grinning like the village idiot...oh happy days!

Can you tell I was already high here? Yeah baby yeah!

So the gas and the invaluable yoga ball were my main tools of pain relief. Husband dear tried hard not to laugh, I believe, when I started breathing in the gas and bouncing on the ball during a contraction. The speed at which I would bounce was in direct relation to how intense the pain got and the height of the contraction, I was humping that ball like a dog in heat with my head lolling in rythm with my ridiculous bouncing.

I had stated in my birth plan that I was open to trying pain medication like an epidural sometime during labour but not until I deem it absolutely necessary. You know lah, first time mothers to be, can be quite gung ho about trying to give birth au naturell. I'm not sure if I regret putting that down since I did manage it epidural-less but that was mainly because the midwives were very reluctant to administer it to me. They watched me get through my contractions and kept telling me how impressed they were at my breathing techniques and how I got through each contraction so calmly (according to husband, I screamed only once throughout the 15 hours of intense labour and that scream came only at the last push I gave before Emmi emerged). I did not feel calm, I do not even remember not screaming. In Sweden, they seem to strongly encourage the natural way of things and to medicate as little as possible so since the midwives realised I could handle the pain, they kept putting off administering me any other pain relief until it was too late for an epidural. Hai...I guess it was a good thing since I can now say with great pride that I could handle the pain of labour granted I am high on laughing gas.

In the end, as I pushed this little bear out into the world, husband took on the job of holding on to the gas and pushing it into my face at the beginning of every contraction so I could breath it in and PUSH PUSH PUSH! But I have to say, I was super pissed at my contractions. For some strange reason, my contractions actually got shorter so all the progress I made during a contraction pretty much disappeared. It was like taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back and even through the fog of gas and pain, I could tell my small audience of 2 midwives, 1 nursing assistant and husband were a little frustrated that the little bear kept disappearing back up the birth canal. And boy was I pissed cos I could actually feel her emerge but then slip back in the moment the contraction ended. What the hell??!

But my frustration did not last long since I would almost immediately doze off when the contractions tapered off and only wake up when another began and husband pushing the mask into my face. So I felt high and euphoric but at the same time, it was like all I felt were contractions and the baby playing peek a boo down south. Little bear got stuck...twice..big face and shoulders you see, and when things got the most painful, the midwife actually stopped the gas. My gas! My dear dear friend! Gone! And I was left to fend for myself cos the midwife thought I was getting a little too high and me falling asleep in between contractions was not very good. So in the end, I got nothing...bloody nothing! Well, except a little baby girl who came out looking red, squashed and very grumpy. But she filled out nicely in the next few hours and is beautiful and not alienish at all!

Just minutes old and she already looks pissed at the world.

And here at a few hours old, when she managed to fill out a little and not look so squashed together and grumpy.

Little bear and mummy, who eyes are still glazed over and the village idiot grin still has not left her face...thanks to the gas.

So now I've joined the all exclusive club of motherhood where sleep deprivation, ear piercing screams and the feeling of not enough hours in a day are a daily routine. The baby is almost constantly in need of my attention and when she is calm, it's either the husband or the cat that demands it.Hai..well, what to do when everyone wants a piece of my meat.

As my sister in law told me, Welcome to my world.

When the little bear is calm and usually sleepy.

My little bear at 4 weeks old.

Anxiously waiting..

Baby is due next Sunday. I can't believe I no longer have to use number of day or weeks or months to refer to my due date anymore. Of course it's up to the baby when it wants to come but to us the date 6th September is like a holy date full of excitement, anticipation and fear.

What an anti-climax it would be if the baby decided to come much later rather than sooner. haha!

I've begun wondering sometimes what the baby will look like and looking at other mixed race babies (usually Thai- Swedish) and wondering if my baby will look like that. I've seen 2 young mixed children that have fairly dark skin with blond hair and I wonder if my baby would turn out like that. To be honest, I would much prefer my child to have fair skin than blond hair. It just looks so strange when someone has such dark, island people like skin (like those rangers I met on a nature reserve island in Thailand), sporting blond hair. Granted the blond is not super light but streaked with brown but it still looks so strange and unnatural.

One also wonders about the temperament of the baby. Will it be a quiet, content baby that is easy to take care of or one that is fussy and crying all the time for the smallest thing? My mum said that I was an easy child to take care of, a great travel baby (I sound like an accessory) and basically slept and ate my way through early infanthood. Husband dear, on the other hand, was a little rougher on his mum. He was a cry baby who would awaken at the slightest noise (he still does that) and feeding time was a chore. Hmmm...I wonder who our baby will follow.

It's getting more and more difficult walking around and sometimes I get hit by painful cramps, regardless of where I am or what I am doing. I dread going to bed at night or even taking naps or anything that involves me lying in bed cos it hurts to shift positions in bed or even getting out of bed and there are nights when I simply cannot move my legs cos it hurts so much. Thank goodness for my dear husband who literally has to move my legs for me and pull me out of bed or into a new position. I truly admire and feel sorry for those pregnant women out there who have to do this alone. I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over and hopefully for the pains to go away sooner rather than later.

What if my pains don't go away even after the birth?? What if it takes FOREVER for me to feel better? That is something that I dare not think about. I don't even dare to think too much about the labour and birth. All I know is I am going to try my hardest to keep an open mind, be receptive to suggestions and advice and be willing to try almost anything to get through it.

I'm quite glad to have my parents around right now, to be in the company of others during the day and to be taken care of and given advice on what to do or what to expect before, during and after the birth.

It's such a crappy, rainy day today and it is the day of the annual Autum market in Askersund. I feel sorry for the people who are selling their wares in the pissy weather today. I will certainly go down there to walk around and have a look, maybe buy a few things I don't need but it would have been so much more pleasant with at least some sun or at least no rain.

Weather sucks today.

Food galore...ironically it's Ramadan.

It's Ramadan now...started 2 days ago. And yet it's all food galore in the Sjöberg flat with my mak and ayah around.

Feel a tinge of sorry for husband dear since he may not necessarily appreciate the food that we love and that I ask for but then again, how often am I gonna have my mother around to cook all my Singapore favourites? He totally understands and takes it all in stride. On days when we eat something spicy that he can't take like sambal tumis, poor husband has to content himself with eating white rice with fried fish. And when rice is not something he wants that day, I'll make him burgers or mashed potatoes and beef which my dad enjoys as much too.

So last night, mother dear made me mee siam, something I had been craving for for months now. She claims that she made a lot (looking at it, I seriously doubted) since it was just me and my dad who will be eating the bulk of it but come lunch time today, mee siam was gone and dad was asking, what else is there to eat? So here is the breakdown of what we have eaten or are going to eat today...and note, it's only 3pm now.

Fried rice with turkey salami followed by mee siam. Dear 'ol dad was drinking the mee siam gravy like it was soup. 10 minutes, dear 'ol dad came waddling by and shyly asked mother dearest, anything else to eat? Hee hee!

So now mother dear is frying some prata and making sambal ikan bilis and we have just discussed on what to cook for dinner tonight. It will be beef lemak, fried anchovies n eggs and fried vegetables...mmmm...so nice! Husband dear would certainly NOT agree but then again the man is working late tonight so we Singaporeans will be enjoying ourselves tonight! Woo hoo!

Right now, I'm trying to come up with a list of good, spicy foods to eat BEFORE baby arrives (which can be anytime, who knows) since it will be all bland, soupy food afterwards for at least 3 weeks postpartum. Unfortunately, for some reason my mind is all blank except for sambal tumis, asam pedas and mee siam. Hai...but thanks to facebook, friends have helped in suggesting good things to eat! And the list is growing! Woo hoo hoo!

Ooh! Prata is ready, time to go and makan!

Not sure what to do

Last night was one of the roughest nights I've had in a while. Had such pains in my hips and my entire pubic bone area that I could not move my legs on my own. The pains shooting up my entire body sent me HOWLING in pain. But not moving was not pleasant either since the baby decided to move at the same time and NOT in a comfortable way. AT THE SAME TIME, my right wrist was causing me grief and I could hardly support myself on it so shuffling in bed became an almost impossibility.

I could not lie down, I could not sit up and I could not control my breathing. Everything I was taught in my breathing classes went out the window. Not because I forgot what to do but because I just could not stop hyperventilating enough to take in a deep breathe. I still don't know why I could not stop hyperventilating. I knew I needed to and I knew I wanted to but everytime I tried, a new wave of pain overcame me and all I could do was suck in another shallow breathe and moan.

That worries me a little.

What if it is like that when I am in real labour? What if I can't control my breathing enough to be able to take in a deep breathe? It's easy to do it when one is not in real pain but last night, I failed miserably when it truly mattered. Husband dear tried to help me by breathing slowly along with my pain to remind me on how I should be doing it but as much as I tried to follow him, I just COULD NOT take a deep breathe. I know I was not panicking and I know I was not scared of what was happening to me because for some reason, something inside me was saying this was not the real thing. But at the same time, I just could not get past the pain enough to breathe.

I NEED TO BREATHE!!

Husband was worried enough to want to call the hospital but I knew better. I did not know what to do but calling the hospital was not one of them. This was NOT the start of labour but just my body preparing and adjusting for it even if it means torturing me in the process. And yes, it did feel like torture. It was like being paralyzed but still able to feel every excruciating pain that went through my pubic bone area, lower back, my hips and inner thighs. I wonder if this is what they call Braxton-Hicks contractions? I'm not sure but if that was a little mini taste of what is to come, I feel unprepared.

For some reason though, the pains in my wrists especially the right one causes me the most frustration. My back pains, hip and pubic bone aches and even difficulty walking don't cause me even half of the frustration that the shooting pains up my wrist does. There have times which seems to come more often now that I can't towel dry or comb my own hair, spread cream on my face or body and I don't even bother writing anything anymore.

When is this going to end??? It feels so close and yet so far. I feel tired all the time and the aches and pains never seem to leave me alone. I hate having to get up and walk once I've sat down cos it's just so painful to move my legs and shuffle them forward step by step. At the same time I feel guilty for making everyone around me, even my sick old dad, do all the work and walking and carrying.

Guilt, frustration and pain is NOT a great combination. Please come out soon, baby...mama needs some relief.

Rough night

Couldn't get much sleep last night because of cramps and weird uncomfortable sensations in the tummy. Everytime I try and change position it hurts like hell in the pubic bone and I can actually feel the baby literally flop over to the other side which I can tell you is NOT a great feeling. I feel like my insides are being moved around everytime the baby does a flop like that or starts squirming around, something it's started doing more and more. My wrists swell up and ache in the mornings and I have to try and move my fingers and wrists in order to get some sort of mobility back in my wrists but the pain never really goes away. Wearing the wrist support does not help much in terms of pain relief, it only hinders my movements even more. Right now I am at a point where I can't write anymore although typing and using the mouse is alright. I can hold the pen but moving it and applying pressure to write just causes too much pain.

I can't wait for this to be over but at the same time I want to extend and cherish the time I still have alone with dear husband for as long as I can. Such dilemma! But I know it's not up to me anyway. The baby will come when it is ready which can be anytime now although I am due in less than 2 and a half weeks!

I keep reading that around this time the baby is supposed to be sleeping more and not move so much but it seems my baby is a little of a rule breaker. It moves around more often than not and hiccups even more often. The hiccups are not even small, cute little quiverings but big ass, full hearted hiccups that shake the entire tummy. Seems like I won't be left much alone anymore since the baby likes to make its presence known to me.

I have finally gotten around to packing my hospital bag but only managed to do it halfway. It really does look like I'm moving somewhere with at least 3 bags packed so far. One bag for the baby, one for me and husband and a third for the drinks and food we will bring along. Unlike hospitals in Singapore where it's relatively easy to find food at the foodcourt or even the minimart within hospital grounds, hospitals here seem to underestimate the importance of foodcourts and minimarts nearby. One needs to leave the hospital and actually search for a foodmart at a gas station if necessary. They don't even have vending machines! Strange but true...I have yet to find a single vending machine at a hospital. Ironically, the only time that I have seen a vending machine is at the exit of a supermarket.

Sometimes Sweden does not make sense to me.

The time is a-coming..

Less than 2 and a half weeks to my due date and time seems to be moving at warp speed. It's probably due in part to my parents being here so I have company during the day and in part to me trying not to think too much about the impending event that is to change my life FOREVER.

Of course husband and I are anxious to meet our little one, boy or girl, and to hold it in our arms and be able to see the tiny little thing that has been causing me such grief for the past 9 months. I have yet to pack my bag for the hospital and I'm not sure why. Everytime I start thinking about packing a nagging little voice in my head keeps saying, nah..you still have some time to pack, don't worry about it! And so my bag stands empty in my room. I keep saying I'm gonna pack I'm gonna pack but I just can't seem to get around to doing it. I'm not stressed or anxious that I'm unprepared for the hospital, I'm not even thinking about it so much now. I don't know why but I'm not thinking too much about the labour process. Sure I'm nervous about how it will be like and the pain that is to come but it doesn't scare me. I'm not in a state of mind where I think it won't hurt so bad or that I'm being overly positive about the whole thing. It's just that I guess this whole thing still hasn't quite hit me yet.

Maybe that is it. It still (even after 9 months) has not hit me that my baby is now full term and at any time, I can go into labour and a baby is to emerge at the end of it all. I see the baby cot, we've already picked up our baby pram, the car seat is standing at attention in its corner, we've gotten our first pack of baby diapers and all the baby clothes are folded and neatly stacked up. And yet, I'm walking around with this voice in my head going, there's still time, there's still time..don't worry about it. Is there something wrong with me?

I know the husband is really excited and anxious and nervous. He rubs my tummy every so often, talks to the baby when it starts moving too much so I can't sleep and smiles that wonderful smile that lights up his eyes and I know that he is happy. This morning I woke up with bad leg cramps. when husband dear came into the room and asked what was wrong and I mumbled, 'Bad leg cramps', his expression changed and he asked, 'Are you sure it's birth cramps?'. Amidst my pain, I had to look up in wonder and repeated, Bad LEG cramps. What did you think I said?? To which he replied, Oooh, I thought you said birth like cramps. You know, you should speak more clearly cos at this point in time, all I'm thinking is if you're in labour. Hai...my dear husband and his concerns.

Life is pretty good right now and for that I am grateful. And YET, I still can't get it into my head that in no more than a month (most likely less), I will be a mother. I don't know what the heck I am doing, I don't know what kind of mother I'm going to be and can only pray that I show I love my child enough that it will not hate me when it gets older. I know I'm just being paranoid and the worry wart that I am but that is me and I'm not sure I can ever change that.

Now we just play the waiting game and look forward to new life and new beginnings.